Hey You Guys Like Shitty Movies?

Here's a trailer for the "other" Snow White movie, oh ya there's two of these coming out. I felt like I was watching one of the trailers from the Ladybugs VHS. Speaking of Ladybugs, how come that movie is totally swept under the rug? No doubt it had a lot of competition during the golden age of kids sports movies with Mighty Ducks 1 and 2, Rookie Of The Year, the Sandlot and of course Little Giants. But it was just as good if not better than Little Big League or The Big Green. Like Rodney it gets no respect.

- Pretty crazy how the two leads in Ladybugs are dead, eh?

Looks Like Kim Kardashian Still Sucks

Kim Kardashian is one of the worst people in the history of people. Her mom is a fame whore, her sister has a bigger dick than I do and the entire family makes money because Kim took it in the dumper from a C list rapper. You would think that after everyone said she sucked for faking a marriage that she would get the message to just go off and die. Nope, after showering in her $10 million from that sham marriage and divorcing the guy after 72 days her next move was to set up a date with Tim Tebow.

Well, Kim is a devout whore, who will do anything for dick and money and Tebow is a devout Christian who has some respect for himself, so what do you think his answer was? He told her to fuck off, sadly in the nicest way possible but I'll still put this in the win column for Timmy.

"Kim Kardashian hopes to hitch her falling star to America’s hottest athlete, Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow — but he doesn’t want anything to do with her!

Sources say that Kim has been telling pals she wants to land a date with the devoutChristian football sensation, who made national headlines for miraculously leading his mediocre team to the NFL playoffs.

“Kim has a big crush on Tim,” a friend confided. “She says he’s not only very handsome but seems like a guy with really strong values.”

But it’s more than just infatuation for Kim, 31. Even though she has her own money, pals claim she’s also seeing dollar signs in the 24-year-old hunk! The once red-hot reality star’s popularity has tanked recently, particularly after her sudden separation from pro basketball player Kris Humphries after just 72 days of marriage.

Since then, ratings for her flagship reality show, “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” are down 14 percent. The buxom brunette has also lost endorsement deals, and her paid public appearances, which have netted up to $600,000 apiece, are dropping off at a rapid pace.

“Kim needs to rehab her image to get her career revved up again,” explained another source. “Dating someone like Tim Tebow would certainly do the trick.”

But even her family is telling her not to hold her breath.

“Tim’s been made aware of Kim’s crush, and although flattered, he’s not interested,” said a source.

“He’s an avowed virgin who’s saving himself for marriage and is looking for a woman with similar values, not someone with two failed marriages AND a sex tape in her past!”

- Kim Kardashian sucks but I would still totally do bad things to her. But I don't have strong values like Tebow so she won't respect me enough to let me date her. Can't win em all.

How Do You Join This Group?

I wanna join this poetry slam group as bad as the next guy but who is that black chick fooling? One thing here is not like the others indeed. Plus she clearly had the worst howl in the group. My man in the back, I honestly thought he was ganna turn into a werewolf at any point. You wanna hang with this group, step your game up.

- Where can you get the fart inhaler?

The Return Of Relampago Blanco!!!!

Durty Watah is back up and running. I only started this shit so I could get hired by Barstool but I didn't see anywhere they were hiring and thus my desire went to shit. Now they are hiring for Chicago so Relampago Blanco is back. Read it, don't read it, it doesn't matter. Basically starting back up to make my push for the stool. Holla.

BUYIN THE SHIT OUT OF THIS

- I NO LONGER WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE TERRY CREWS PLAYS UNDERCARD TO ANYONE. BETTER GET HIS OWN ACTION FRANCHISE SOON. REAL TALK.

SEAN PENN REALLY KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE TRADEDY

Penn's assistant slipped and fell in the fuckin shower. She hurt her elbow, but here are some pictures of Penn leading the bitch into the hospital and then waiting outside and acting like the assistant was shot in the face and probably wasn't ganna make it.

LOOKS LIKE LINDSAY CAN STILL BRING THE HEAT

I guess she was hosting a party last night but the real main event were her tits. Still tremendous. Can't hate on party chicks, or their tits.

CONTAGION CAME OUT, BILLBOARD IS A BIT MUCH THOUGH

So Contagion is out. Awesome movie, makes you wanna wash the shit out of your hands every second you get. But for me two times a day is good. But this billboard is a bit much. Making dudes work with fungus and what, this is the type of shit that's ganna really start some contagion.

PROBABLY BETTER OFF JUST READING THE BOOK

Has anyone lost the heat more than Cameron Crowe? Am I wrong? Does this not look like a huge piece of shit?

HOLY SHIT, PORN PARODY OF NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

WET DREAM ON ELM STREET? Pleasure Comas? Dildo's for fingers? Not ganna lie, I'm ganna see the shit out of this thing somehow. And by somehow I'm ganna download it on the internet but just to watch it not for anything else.

EXPENDABLES 2 WORKING HARD TO BECOME THE BEST MOVIE EVER

Expendables 1 was exactly what I expected. A bad ass movie with a ton of guys passed their prime but could slightly bring it one last time. BUTTT Expendables 2 is shaping up to be even better. Looks like were getting Bruce Willis and AHNOLD for two huge roles, plus the original cast, and JCVD, Norris, and the guy from Looks Who's Talking are all in the running to be in the movie. If Rocky can pull this off, better believe I'm using my O'neil Cinema loyalty points to see the shit out of this.

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES TIM, NOW GET THE HELL OUT

So Wakefield got his 200th win...nice. Can we now get this corpse off the field. No doubt about it 200 wins is a great feat and I use to love Wake but now I can't stand the guy. He's been the 26th man on the roster for about 3-4 years now. Plus he's become a quiet bitcher, bro you shouldn't be in the starting rotation and you aren't helping anyone from the bullpen. Now we have to wait for him to get win 192 in a Sox uniform to tie the record. This is ganna be brutal. Just give him the record and get him out of here.

HEY YOU GUYS LIKE SHIT? HERE'S SOME SHIT TO LOOK AT

TV nowadays kind of sucks. There are like 3 or 4 shows I generally look forward everyweek, Curb'd, which is over now, Breaking Bad, and Always Sunny. That's it, I'll throw in my Hell's Kitchen every now and then because Chef Ramsay is a magician with a knife but other than that I could not watch. I mean I will but I could not. But to prove the point about how much TV sucks here comes some shitty french film studio called Gaumont and they are ganna make some shitty show about a young Hannibal Lector in like a year...

"All the press release offers as far as details is that the show will “center on Lecter’s early days, namely his time going head-to-head with FBI agent Will Graham.” So this is a drawn out cat and mouse procedural? Sounds like that’s the case, with the show taking place between the events of Hannibal Rising and Manhunter. Combining a universally-known character with the perennially popular crime procedural seems like such an obvious move I’m surprised it taken this long to occur."

Outside of the guy who read that press release, no one else is shocked. They made that shitty movie like 3 years ago. Wanna know why no one wants this because no one gives a shit about a young Hannibal Lector. The man is fucked up now, focus on that. I don't wanna know Nazi's killed and cooked his sister and made him eat some. Shit sucks. This write up sucks, this whole idea sucks. Needs to be a rule if I don't like it, shit shouldn't be put on the air.

PRETTY SURE BEANTOWN AIN'T MAKING THE TOURNAMENT THIS YEAR

All season long I have been preaching "stay calm". They lost? Not that big a deal, they're still going to the playoffs. Lost 2 of 3 to the Yanks, lost the lead in the division? Doesn't matter, they still have the wild card, just get into the playoffs.

Well the Sox have finally done it, I AM FREAKING OUT HERE MAN!! Just got swept by the Rays, have a four game series against them this week with a 3 and half game lead. And the way Boston is playing that lead most likely will be much smaller by pitch 1 of that series. I am starting to get a real 2005 feeling about this year. Even if they get to the playoffs, they probably have to play Texas in the first round and I got a feel los Rangers would steamroll the shit out of us. But alas no worries, our pitching has been dominant as of late and once you turn it over to Bard the game is over. So we're good.

- I'm at threat level yellow right now, right on the brink of orange. If they lose 3 out of 4 this weekend this guy is getting in line on the fuckin bridge.

SO MANY PEOPLE ARE GANNA BUY THESE SHITTY SHOES

UPDATE - I guess there are only 1500 pairs of these things and they cost $3500 each, fuck that.

Honestly, who the fuck would buy these? Shit is ganna cost like $200 bucks, you gotta fuckin charge em and they are ugly as hell. But I know they are ganna fly off the racks cuz people are thinkin they are "fly" as hell or MCFLY.ZING. Can't wait till that LED light starts leakin all over someones leg. Just get some $50 dollar fila shoes, they don't light up but hey LA Gears was like some fourth grade shit so you don't need em too.

On a less related note, Michael J. Fox needs to calm down in that interview. Just jumping all over the place, relax bro act like you've been there before. What? Oh, I didn't know he had that...

CHRIS TUCKER LOOKIN TO MAKE A COMEBACK, GOT KIND OF BIG

I like Chris Tucker. Guy has made a ton doing little to nothing outside of Rush 1,2, and 3 and knows he doesn't have to do shit anymore. That is everyones dream work a little and then do absolutely nothing. Guy just drives around going to Laker games, driving like 140 mph in 35 mph school zones, probably bangs the Laker girls,gains like 70 pounds like Mac from Always Sunny, he'll say it's mass, I'll say he just got a little fat. But now it looks like big Chris wants to make a little bit of a comeback. It's not ganna be in Friday 4 which is sad but it could be in a mediocre comedy with Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, and Jonah Hill about a neighborhood watch group that uncovers a plot to destroy the world. Or in some movie called The Silver Linings Playbook with Bradley Cooper about two guys in a mental institution, Cooper goes back home and occasionally Tucker breaks out to go hang with him. I assume it's an invisible friend kind of thing. Jackie Chan better be in both but either I'm probably ganna see em both.

Hey NYJER SIT DOWN BRO, YOU STILL SUCK

That is Nyjer Morgan on the Pirates, Brewers and Nationals, all of whom he has played for in a four year stretch. He probably think's team's take him because he's good but in reality he's just an asshole. Teams can take an asshole if he's good. This is Nyjer Morgan going after Albert Pujols after the machine came to defend his teammate Chris Carpenter because Morgan thinks he's tough and a good player...

@theRealTPlush -- Morgan had this to say: "Alberta couldn't see Plush if she had her gloves on!!! Wat was she thinking running afta Plush!!! She never been n tha ring!!!"

I told you if let this guy run around acting like an asshole even though he has accomplished absolutely nothing at the Major League level shit is ganna happen. Now this guy thinks he has a right to talk like that to a future hall of famer? Hey Nyjer you suck bro and you are most likely ganna do something to fuck up the Brewers chances at winning anything because you think you're funny. Shut the fuck up and sit down.

JACK BLACK AND STEVE MARTIN STILL KIND OF FUNNY. OWEN WILSON'S IN THE MOVIE TOO

Honestly thought this was ganna be another one of those shitty Wes Anderson type movies (outside of the Royal Tenenbaums) but it turns out it looks...awesome. I actually like Jack Black and it's not because I have been told I look like the funny fat man once or twice. Steve Martin could be in for a nice little comeback and Owen Wilson still sucks because he's just not that funny. Fix that shit on your face bro.

NBA OWNERS HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING, PLAYERS ALMOST CERTAINLY DON'T CARE BECAUSE THEY ARE ASSHOLES AND MORONS

The NBA claims an end is in sight to the CBA negotiations, there isn't. No way these players give up their right to fuck up the league they play in. They need 140 million dollars, they have families to feed, just ask Latrell Sprewell. But since nothing else they say matters, the owners have proposed adding a third round to the NBA draft. It sounds absolutely fool proof...
"Under one proposal," writes Sheridan, the 15 teams with the worst records would continue to pick 1st through 15th, but then would also have the 16th through 30th picks. The teams with the top 15 records would have the first 15 picks of the second round, then would have the 44th through 60th picks."

"Under another proposal, the teams with the eight worst records would get an additional first round pick, beginning with selection No. 22, and the teams with the eight best records would have no first-round picks but would select at the top of the second round (picks 31 through 38), then also would get the final eight picks of the second round."

- So basically if you are a 5-8 seed in any conference, the league has now taken away any chance of you improving in anyway through the draft. BUT on the other hand you will get to pick in a third round, and given the fact that second rounders now do almost nothing in the league, that should be awesome.

SO NO ONE IN THE AFC SOUTH WANTS TO WIN THIS YEAR?

The Jags just released David Garrard, goin with Luke McCown (solid move). Colts don't have Peyton. Titans just suck and have Hasselback and Ponder. The Texans could be without Arian Foster for a while. AFC South just got a whole lot worse.

If Houston doesn't win it this year then they aren't ever going to become an elite team. Also if I'm Seattle I'm all over Garrard, unless having Tavaris Jackson under center sounds good. Up to you bra.

BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE

Remember how awesome Beetlejuice was 20 years? Well since Hollywood can't think of anything else it's looking like Beetlejuice 2 is a real possibility...

"the intention is not to remake Beetlejuice, but to reboot it by advancing the storyline of the original. If this seems like a travesty, or at least a puzzling idea, blame Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows, for which Grahame-Smith did script work. Warners liked what he turned out for Dark Shadows, which led to this first-look deal. Deadline says Grahame-Smith will write two scripts for WB, with Beetlejuice 2 being a likely option"

So basically it's ganna be the same movie but Hollywood is ganna keep telling us they are changing or "advancing" a few things. Where else can you fucking take this thing? It's about two dead people who work with a ghoul in their attic. Can't wait for those CGI sandworms and instead of "DAY-O" we're ganna get Flo-rida's low. Shit is ganna be so advanced,it's ganna be sick when Russell Brand takes this shit over. Pissin all over Michael Keaton's good name, just bring back the cartoon and call it a day

WHAT?

Paranormal Activity 3 TV Spot by teasertrailer

These Paranormal Activity movies are getting a bit played out. The first was boring aS shit, the second was pretty fucking ridiculous, but I guess this one is about Bloody Mary? I mean they are all suppose to follow the same family and this one is a prequel about the fat chick from the first one and her sister but wheres that goat demon or whatever? Shit is all fucked up. Still ganna see it though.

NICE

This is Imogen Thomas. I guess she had an affair with some soccer player and confessed the whole thing to the guys wife. Not sure they're still together. She's got a shitty name but whatever she's pretty good lookin eh? Yeah she's pretty good looking. Gotta love sluts

HUMAN CENTIPEDE, MORE LIKE HUMAN SUCK...IPEDE

If you saw Human Centipede you know that that shit was no where near as awful as this fucking hack Tom Six said it was going to be. In fact it was pretty fucking tame, everyone has bandages everywhere. Basically it was three people crawling around. Well now here's the trailer for the sequel and this shit sounds way worse. In this one we got a guy who falls in love with a fucking copy of the first movie, re-read that, and wants to do the experiment himself but with 12 people. Either way trailer is fake with shitty actors to make it look sick. Not going to be and its going to suck real bad. Still ganna see it though

- Here's the US teaser. Looks pretty shitty.

NBA MEN'S PICKUP LEAGUE SET FOR LAS VEGAS, NEW YORK PROBABLY STILL THINKS IT'S AWESOME

Everyone calls New York the Mecca of basketball even though outside of pick up basketball they haven't been relevant or won anything since the 80's. Everyone else has picked up on this and now there is going to be some shitty men's pick up league where only NBA players will be allowed to particpate ...

"Starting Monday, dozens of pro players are expected to compete in an NBA-only league in Las Vegas, according to longtime trainer Joe Abunassar, a driving force behind the league. Among the 40 or so players currently committed to playing are Knicks guard Chauncey Billups, Knicks forward Shawnie Williams and New York rookie guard Iman Shumpert. Others include Wizards guard John Wall, Memphis forward Zach Randolph, Bucks guard Stephen jackson and Nuggets forward Al Harrington."

I mean they could be doing this in an actual league where they get paid and people actually wanna show up. But whatever I guess this is better. Euro League basketball is ganna be so sick this year.