THE NEXT FOOD NETWORK STAR

Not really a lot to say on this except this kid is...awesome. I honestly thought I would hate him but everything he says I always think. Chicken McNuggets, love em. Papa Ginos, the tits. Ellios, love it!! You can always tell when he likes something because he gets that smart ass smirk on his face, which is the same thing that happens to me but I like him. I mean don't get me wrong this kid is absolutely disgusting and the worst part about his videos is you can actually see him aging from a small cute fat kid to a teenage huge fat kid with acne and pizza grease all over him. But all and all his videos are not bad. Check out the Ellios one, shit left him speechless. He also gives a really smart review.

Keep Going Jones

I Like the cut of Your Gib Jones

Apparently this guy's been tearing it up for years but I've just now stumbled upon these. Fucking Genius.

Is this the most embarrassing thing Ever?

Just Fast Forward to 1:11

Hey Theo, Franklin Morales SUCKS

So I'm watching the Sox game just as Franklin Morales walked to the mound and proceeded to give up a long wall ball double to Travis Hafner and followed that stellar effort with a two run bomb to break open what had been a tie game and I've gotta say I've seen enough. I could give a shit what the stats say, the eye test says this guy blows dog dick and the experiment is over. Yeah, you're right Theo who could see that guy with middling talent, barely hacking it in the titanic National League West wouldn't work out in the American League? Get him outta here.

Andy Dick: Sexual Deviant

Word broke out of L.A. last week that unfunny comedian Andy Dick, 45, was ordered to stand trial for alleged sexual assualt this coming January. Turns out that a coked up and shit-faced Dick decided to go FLAMING gay on the locals at a Huntington Beach watering hole in January of 2010, grabbing the crotch of a male bouncer and forcefully kissing a male patron before attempting to molest the group of bouncers and police forced to remove him. Jesus, could you imagine being the poor bastard bouncing that night, making no more than $10 an hour and having that fiend come at your crotch?

     Truth is this guy should have been facing jailtime a long, long time ago, he's not funny he's just irritating. Being aggravating isn't endearing, regardless of your sexuality. People like this asshole highlight a huge problem in American society where talentless hacks like him, Kathy Griffin, Kim Kardashian and the entire gang from Jersey Shore are raking in millions while everyone else is scraping by, struggling to make ends meet. Why is this guy even famous? In fact, the more I write this the more I'm starting to wonder just what the fuck was going on in this country in the early nineties? Could you imagine pitching a movie where your three leads are Pauly Shore, Andy Dick and David Alan Grier? Good night, I reckon you'd get your ass kicked for stuff like that now.

MEET HOLLYWOODS NEWEST PIECE OF SHIT: SUPERMAN - MAN OF STEEL

I'll admit it, I liked 300. It was awesome, Dawn of the Dead was okay, but owls of g'hoole or whatever sucked ass, same with sucker punch. Honestly, what the fuck was with that one Zack? But I feel 100 percent confident saying that Zack is going for the tri-fecta here, his new Superman is ganna be a piece of shit. Before he was hired he was goin on and on about how he didn't know enough about the character to feel comfortable taking it over. But WB flashed those green backs and here he is, also he hired Laurence Fishburn as Perry White so he's off to a good start. But just look at this, not much to say, just pretty sure it's ganna suck.

- Superman isn't cool.

Fuck Tony Larussa, Fuck Him In His Stupid Ass

Relampago Blanco has returned to Durty Watah and he is not happy. I love baseball but in all honestly most of the people involved in it are arrogant cunts, who think they are better than everybody else. Exibit A is St.Louis Cardinals skipper, Tony Larussa. It is no secret that Larussa is a giant cunt and is known to think he is the smartest man around ( he's not). But the reason Relampago is upset is because he just came up with one of the dumbest accusations I have ever heard. The Cardinals Battled the Brewers last night and won 8-7 in 11 innings but Tony has accused the Brew Crew of cheating. He says the only reason Milwaukee has played so well at home is because they do the worst of the worst, they cheat. There is no way the Brewers or any team for that matter could play well without Larussa's involvement, he's the smartest man in the game, how can a team win without him?. He says the LED boards shown brighter when the Brewers came to bat, making it easier to see the ball and darker for the Red Birds.

Now I am not the smartest man in the world and maybe I am wrong about this but wouldn't the LED boards getting bright during a night game make it more difficult to pick up the ball? Having a light in your face doesn't really help the cause. I'll just go ask Tony to explain, the man is a genius after all.

Bill Belichick, Proving Once Again that we can all Kiss his Ass

Since 2008, the popular refrain/lament throughout New England has been that the Patriots have lacked the ability to rush the passer. The panic level around these parts was increased last season as the Pats, despite posting a 14-2 regular season, allowed opponents to convert on third down a whopping 47% of the time, nearly two percentage points worse than the 2008 Detroit Lions who, you know, only went 0-16. It was becoming increasingly clear that Belichick lacked the players to execute his once vaunted 'read and react' version of the 3-4 made popular by the likes of Lawrence Taylor, Harry Carson, Willie McGinest and Tedy Bruschi. The defensive line was a shell of itself after Richard Seymour was jettisoned and Ty Warren left to have pre-emptive season ending surgery in training camp. The outside linebacker position once manned by the likes of McGinest and Mike Vrabel was now occupied by a rookie second round draft pick in Jermaine Cunningham and journeyman like Rob Ninkovich and Tully Banta-Cain. Only lineman Vince Wilfork and Inside Linebacker Jerrod Mayo proved to be reliable members of the front seven. It was a testament to Tom Brady's awesomeness that this team managed to win at all.
      Things looked worse as the draft went by. Belichick ignored the glaring weakness of his team by choosing to shore up his suspect offensive line and bolster his running game. New England went nuts as the Man in the Gray Hood seemed to be embracing his anemic passrush and was seen to be consigning his front seven to another ass-raping in the playoffs.
      Nearly seven days into training camp however and Belichick has told all of us in New England to STFU as he has clearly demonstrated that he knows what he's doing and once again is the smartest man in the room. After getting cut this past Friday, Ty Warren hinted that the Pats had chosen to go in a different direction defensively and the first few days of training camp have hinted that that is indeed the case. With the trade for oft troubled Albert Haynesworth, Belichick has demonstrated a willingness to abandon what was increasingly becoming an antiquated version of the 3-4 for a more aggressive 4-3 base. In camp the base defense seems to be a front four of Jermaine Cunningham and Eric Moore on the ends with Haynesworth and Wilfork in the middle. This leaves the former inside linebacking core as the new core of backers with Mayo and Guyton on the outside with second year player and pornstar Brandon Spikes manning the middle. There's no telling if this will solve the problem of the Pats inability to stuff the run, they ceded an average of 4.2 yards per rush last season, but at the very least they should be far more aggressive in the passing game and wreak havoc in opposing backfields with this new alignment. Haynesworth and Wilfork will occupy the majority of blockers allowing the backers and ends to roam free as mismatches will abound around the football field. They'll be bolstered by what is shaping up to be a fearsome secondary behind them. So look at that, I guess Bill didn't lose his fastball and knew what the fuck he was doing all along. I guess we can all just go fuck ourselves now and kiss the rings.

Funniest Thing Evah about Rapelisberger

We here at DurtyWathah are no fan of Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger of course, they guy after all lucked in to at least one of those Lombardi trophies by having a capable defense and Mike Holmgren to bail him out and he's most likely a sex offender, and so it is with great pride that this little nugget was uncovered in the Deadspin archives. I have no idea how this didn't get more play, but it can be read here.

SIGN HIM

As Jonathon Papelbon nears free agency the multitudes of miserable human beings who call into sports radio across New England have been all to eager to show the outspoken and dimwitted closer the door. Good riddance they have said collectively and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. The vitriol expressed by these embittered remnants of the "fellowship of the miserable" is confusing because first Papelbon, aside from a few comments here and there, hasn't really done anything egregiously wrong and second, he's pretty damn good. Most of those seeking Papelbon's departure cite the fact that Daniel Bard resides in the bullpen and they believe he can easily step in and fill Papelbon's 9th inning time slot. The reality however is, while Bard has has put together two nice little seasons, he's also thrown up a multitude of red flags that he's just not ready for the job and possibly may never be. A little aside when perusing Bard's statistics reveals that he has allowed leadoff hitters to hit .300 against him this year, though admittedly he has held the following batters to a .133 average against. Even worse, Bard's ERA is nearly three runs higher in games not played in the friendly confines of Fenway. Papelbon meanwhile, after what can only be described as a down year, has rebounded nicely and has put together another sterling campaign, compiling 20 saves by the all star break. Papelbon is on an historic pace career wise and while he'll easily demand a multi-year contract that will command somewhere north of $12 million a year he's more than worth it as he's a sure thing entering his prime. The man's been a solid, well above average closer for over six seasons winning one world series and, aside from a shoulder injury at the end of the '06 season, has proven to be extremely durable and reliable. The man may not be a mensa candidate and may be guilty of putting his foot in his mouth but he's proven he can get the job done whereas Bard will be nothing but a question mark entering the 2012 season. This is Brady versus Cassel redux, stick with the one you know.

TEAM USA IS PEARL HARBORED

Team USA lost today in the final of the woman's world cup to Japan despite never having trailed to the Japanese through 120 minutes of gametime. In the end it was a series of penalty kicks that sank the womens team chances at a world championship. According to ESPN this is a huge American tragedy, its 9/11 times 1,000,  Hurricane Katrina or seeing Kathy Bates naked in About Schmidt all rolled into one. In reality though nobody really gives a shit because this sport is ridiculously uninteresting and will never catch on here. Thank God its over.

NBA IS FINE

Looks the NBA is doing just fine during the lockout. Only had to layoff 114 employees in two days, no big deal. Shit happens all the time. Just a real thriving league, only losing about $300 million a season. No worries though Deron Williams is ganna go play in Turkey, if he can ONLY make $11 million a season then it's not worth playing here. Them's is salve wages. Good call deron.

SETH MEYERS IS NOT GOOD AT BEING FUNNY

Got through about 30 seconds.

I DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here people go again calling Serena good looking. Are you fucking kidding me, barstool just had this video up and I think they actually liked it. Dude she looks like Terry Crews. She's fucking hideous, cut the shit already

IF IT LOOKS LIKE SHIT, SMELLS LIKE SHIT, THEN IT'S SHIT

Sean Penn is not for everyone. But in this he shouldn't be for anyone. This is ganna be a giant piece of shit.

TEAM USA IS PROBABLY GOING TO SUCK NOW.

Well now the NBA lockout is fucking with something like eight to ten people care about, the Olympics. Both the winter and summer games are awful but what is interesting is seeing Team USA kick the shit out of everyone on the roundball courts. Now that doesn't look like it's going to happen. Dwyane Wade now says he is undecided about returning to the 2012 team and since Lebron is his bitch he is going to say the same thing and make it seem like he came up with the idea himself. And since everyone in the NBA is concerned about being mad chill in front of their homies the rest will probably pass too. Looks like the USA is going to suck at international basketball again.

JAMES HARRISON IS STILL A MORON.

James Harrison proves again he is a giant ass. Its one thing to shit all over Goodell because that guy actually does seem like a power hungry douchebag. But now Harrison is shitting all over the offense on his own team for their super bowl lose last year to the Green Bay Packers. He called Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall a fumbling machine and even criticizes quarterback Ben Rothlisberger "Hey, at least throw a pick on their side of the field instead of asking the D to bail you out again. Or hand the ball off and stop trying to act like Peyton Manning. You ain't that and you know it, man; you just get paid like he does," he said, referring to Roethlisberger's two interceptions in the game."

This guy does know he eventually has to get back to playing with these guys. I mean I'm sure he actually doesn't give a shit and could easily kick the shit out of both men because he's insane. But why not just say this when your hammered with your buddies, ESPN is ganna take this shit and run with it. You just gave them fourteen weeks of shows.

THIS WILL SUCK, NO WAY AROUND IT.

Relampago Blanco is not a smart man. He can't help you with your math, science, or english. Hell, I still don't really know the rules of proper grammar but what I do know is baseball and movies. And when a movie comes out featuring my favorite thing on earth I naturally show some level of excitement. Except this time. Watching the four hour ad for Money Ball tonight on Fox leads me to only one conclusion, this movie is going to be a piece of shit. Look, I love Brad Pitt, guy is money in the bank everytime he's in a movie as far as this kids concerned, Jonah Hill is okay...I guess. I even like Chris Pratt, but this movie just looks like pure shit. From head to toe this looks like a CBS mini-series. The book was awesome but there was no way this could work as a movie and this shit is going to prove it. Plus Billy Beane's shit doesn't work,just because a guy has a solid OBP doesn't mean he's ganna be great if he can't hit for average, or hit for some power; The A's have actually zero power which proves my point. Just to many B type players on the A's, while everyone else has taken this formula and gotten some A type players with it to make winners - See Tampa Bay Rays. I could go off on a tagent about this but my point is Oakland has made only one appearance in the ALCS under Beane in 2006 (lost) and haven't been a winner in years. Everyone from the draft in the book is gone and Nick Swisher is the only one that has had anything resembling a career. I mean Papelbon was drafted in the 43rd round that year but A's didn't sign em, so can't win em all. Just ganna suck,still ganna see it though.

Just Heath Being Heath

Not much to say here. Just Heath Bell loving life and being the man. This has been his coming out party and he hasn't even done anything besides give kids backpacks full of free shit, sign autographs during the game, carry a huge bat during the derby. Play on Heath, play on.

SPORTS WRITERS ARE ASSHOLES.

"The catchphrase of NBA Lockout 1998-99: "We make a lot of money, but we spend a lot, too.''

The catchphrase of NBA Lockout 2011 (and probably ‘12): "How often am I going to get this chance again, to go over and live abroad, in a great city, learn another culture -- you know, experience things?” -

That's from David Steele's column today on the Sporting News. This blowhard is honestly trying to say Deron Williams is putting a good face on this NBA lockout. That it is all about the players wanting to go over to Europe because they want to experience new things. Can't even think of anything clever, just shut the fuck up David Steele, you suck, Deron Williams sucks, the NBA sucks, except for the Celts. Go Celts!

NATE ROBINSON IS GOING TO WASTE HIS AND THE NFL'S TIME DURING THE LOCKOUT

“I might go play football,” the 5-foot-9 Robinson said. “Do something that nobody's tried to do. If I can, I would love to play football a little bit. I've been doing a little bit of training. Why wouldn't you want to have an NBA player that can play football try out? That's a lot of publicity for your organization.” - That's Nate Robinson speaking with the Dailey Oklahoman about how he is going to fail at playing professional football. Bro you're only 5'9, you haven't played since freshman year of college. You can dunk, which is cool but just stop, you're not playing football during the lockout. It's fine trying to act like a tough guy in the NBA, where no one knows how to fight but if you pull your shit in the NFL you will seriously get murdered - see Ray Lewis or even Albert Haynesworth probably.

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS FAT MAN?

Did anyone else catch this freak (fat guy hugging Cano in the pic) that kept coming up to Cano during the derby last night? Why is no one talking about him? I can't find any video of him being as awful as he truly was last night but they never even explained who he was, or if they did I didn't catch it. He was in all seriousness one of the worst people I have ever seen, he would only open Robby's waters by biting off the cap and was always interrupting him while he was celebrating with people who matter like his dad and other famous people. It was fucking disgusting, can't be any worst than drinking New York tap water but still fucking gross non the less.

WHAT THE FUCK ESPN?

They did it, they actually did it. ESPN has actually made the homerun derby boring. For weeks they have been shoving the AL vs NL battle for the 2011 derby down our throats. League versus League they said, its ganna be great. Well tonights the night and all it is is the same individual battle its always been, except a couple of guys get to pick players for each side this year. It was suppose to start at eight and the first pitch didn't come until around 8:20 but don't worry we got a cool concert from some unknown country band and they had like pretty big sparklers behind the stage it was really sick. Then there is the grouping, I like each player on each side but it is actually just a boring group, like no personality outside of Papi. Papi is the man everyone of his guys came up during introductions and looked pumped, he first pumped and hug each one and they were all smiles. Then came the national group, Prince is the worst captain. It looked like no one wanted to be there, not a hug or a smile from anyone. Even with the Major League homerun leader in the mix, Jose Bautista, just boring. Rickie Weeks? Come on Prince. And the commentators, Christ. Chris Berman is awful and needs to quit, Nomar is the new Joe Morgan, just as boring as they come, Kruk is awesome but he's not Charles Barkley, he can't carry this shit by himself. They turned it into the new slam dunk contest and that shit got old real fast. ESPN you have sucked the life out of a sport once again.

UPDATE - Boy does this kid have egg on his face. This was quite a knee jerk reaction post, eh? Turns out this is one of the best derby's ever. ROBINSON CANO AND ADRIAN GONZALEZ ARE AWESOME, ESPN CONTINUES TO SUCK.

ESPN USES HYPERBOLE ONCE AGAIN

Saw this over on Barstool today and to watch this video makes me wish I was seeing what they were seeing. Did someone just throw a game winning touchdown in the super bowl? Did the Sox embarrass the Yankees again to end some other curse? Did Lebron just have a career ending ACL injury on the court on a dirty crossover from JJ Barera? Nope it was fucking Team USA in the quaterfinals of the Women's World Cup. Naturally ESPN is turning this into something its not, an epic game. It was just ranked as one of the top ten most dramatic events in sports history, ahead of Buckner in '86, Kirk Gibson shot in the series, or Latner's hoop over Kentucky to get to the Final Four. All of which are some of the most exciting things I have ever seen on replay. This honestly gets no reaction from me, this is going to be up there with the 1999 Women's World Cup victory. The same victory that apparently was so huge that soccer was going to take over America. Didn't happen, what did happen was a failed Women's Soccer League and the WNBA. I can say with 100 percent confidence no one will be talking about this in five years. I would rather watch two gay guys snuggling for 90 minutes or however long these games are than watch a single match of soccer period let alone women's soccer.