Greg Oden Is 73 Years Old

Todays the day to get your offers in before that smug little jew, David Stern takes everything away. The Blazers offered Greg Oden $8.8 million, most likely so he can get hurt and stay on the bench. This is Yao Ming all over again. Look, I understand height is important in roundball but if a guy can't stay healthy, I wouldn't waste my time. I give a player three years, If he has gotten hurt in all three and missed significant time its time to kick his ass to the curb. In Oden's case he has missed his entire rookie season, 21 games in season two, and 61 games in season three. The guy is toast. Oden has always been an overrated prospect because of his size. Offensively he was light years behind his defense and even his D was just alright. The only bases for the David Robinson comparisons were that he was black and 7 feet tall. The guy can't stay healthy and the blazers should just move on. Good luck counting on his ass again while he's shattered to glass taking a charge from Earl Boykins.

- Doubt they regret draft night 2007.

Jeff Green - YAY OR NAY?

The Celtics just extended a qualifying offer to restricted free agent Jeff Green. But I have to ask, does anyone else think he isn't right for beantown? I mean when he was on OKC and I never got to see him play his numbers were somewhat impressive, 15 points a game nothing to poo poo. But watching him with the Celts he just seemed like someone who would disappear for long stretches of games, content to settle for the 12-15 foot J instead of taking it to the hoop hard. I know playing with the group the C's have can be kind of daunting and touches were limited but this guy is supposedly a building block for the future. That future is coming up pretty fast bro. Maybe he can handle playing in a place that people only care about college teams but the spotlight is going to be on him constantly. I mean that is if there is even a season, which most likely there will only be a 45-50 game one at best. Don't get me wrong, I think he is a talented player, he just needs to become a lot more aggresive.

So Long Mike, You Sucked!! - Mike Cameron Designated for Assignment

Terry Francona and Theo Epstein have been acting like Interleague is brand new this year. With all the bitching about how they can't get Ortiz' bat in the lineup, it is hard to believe the concept is almost 15 years old. What is also hard to believe is how Mike Cameron has found his way into 33 games this year. Who knew at almost 40 years old, no matter how good a shape you are in, you decline drastically. Especially if you were nothing special before. It was probably better to give him 105 at bats to produce only 14 hits for staggering .149/.212/.266 clip. Guy was hot like fire, so it's completely understandable. No kid half his age producing twice as much like Josh Reddick, whose collected just as many hits in only 38 plate appearances for a .438/.474/.688 clip, is ganna get in the way of that kind of production. Cameron is a vet no matter how much he has forgotten to play the game, we need him out there.

I love me some tito. Think he is a top five, maybe even top three manager but some of his lineup moves this year have been horrible. Reddick may not be the rightfielder of the future (I think that goes to Ryan Kalish) but he is more than capable of being a top level fourth outfielder. Why keep throwing up lineups with players who already stopped caring like JD Drew, a fifth outfielder in Darnell McDonald, an over the hill catcher in Varitek, and a guy who shouldn't have even been on a Major League roster in Cameron. It's idiotic. It's not the cure all for why the Sox suck in Interleague but give the kid a shot. He's producing and usually that's what helps teams win, not sticking by aging Vets because you like them.

- Also paying a 37 year old Cam Cam $15.5 million over two years has to be just below Theo's boner for Julio Lugo. Some people man.

Cobra Kai Never Die!

This is 2011, right? We are into the second decade of the 2000's? Well tonight during a heated Men's Summer Hoops C division battle I swear I almost got into to it with a mini Billy Zabka. Competition was fierce and Relampago Blanco is not against throwing around the body. And at 6 feet and 210 pounds that is a lot of body to throw around. Just a real Olympic level athlete. Naturally it gets heated underneath the boards and after a particularly physical trip, a barely 5 foot, 120 pound blonde haired kid got in my face and asked me to meet him in the parking lot. I thought to myself, this actually still happens? Did this kid take karate with the cobra kai? Did his dad own some sort of country club? Was he ganna sweep the leg? All I could do was laugh him off while he kept yappin away. How could he think he actually stood a chance? No worries,he wasn't ganna get in Relampago Blanco's head but I have to ask, do 80's bullies still exist?

- Oh ya, they kicked the shit out us tonight by like 20. But the lesson is to always stand your ground. Goonies never say die!!

Ray Lewis Was Right, I Would Absolutely Turn Violent If Watching Hockey Was My Only Option

Everyone watches SportsCenter at least three times a day. It's a fact. And today with the constant talk of the NFL and NBA CBA negotiations and looming lockouts I asked myself, is this going to be the most depressing winter of all time? Like this could be the winter where everyone packs on 20-30 pounds and everything turns into a post apocalyptic world ALA Mad Max(according to Ray Lewis). Hockey could be the only thing on. I know everyone is going to pretend they are Bruins fans now and say that would be awesome but be serious you didn't give a shit about them during the regular season, the season before, and the season before that. The NBA and NFL is what gets people through. I'm already having enough trouble just maintaining my weight with all the chicken tenders I eat. With no pigskin or roundball it's ganna be a food coma 24/7. Get the deals done fellas.

Oh ya and FUCK HOCKEY AND ALL THE FAKE BRUINS FANS. GO REVS!!!!!

Scalabrine Strikes!

As the Red Sox decide they just don't want the division that bad and the NFL decides it's just going to take its ball and go home, there is some good news for Boston Sports Fans, Brian Scalabrine has returned to the airwaves. Yes, that's right, the Celtics former favorite cheerleader has signed on with Comcast Sportsnet and made an appearance on the Toucher and Rich show this morning. Relax fellas, Scal's here, it's morning in Boston again.

TITO MAKE THE MOVE!!!!!

Well that game went really well. Look, it sucks that Boston has 15 games in a row in National League Parks and Ortiz is going to get limited at bats. However, this isn't some new fucking problem that they just found out about. They aren't playing in some shit men's softball league where they update the schedule the week before. They knew this was ganna be the absolute shits months in advance. Beckett was mediocre tonight and any team would have had problems the way Lee was going but throwing out a lineup with Darnell McDonald, Mike Cameron, Jason Varitek, and the pitcher in the nine hole isn't even going to give you a chance to win. I understand that tito didn't want to put Gonzalez in the outfield tonight because Beckett is a fly ball pitcher but he isn't some fucking invalid. He's played the position before, he should have been taking fly balls in spring training. Gonzo is 6'2'', 225, he's an athlete, he's in shape. This isn't Prince Fielder.

Reports have Gonzalez playing in RF tomorrow, thank you god. Big Papi we missed you.

-Also this is kind of a radical idea but why not try Adrian out at third in the offseason, he can handle bunts, he moves well around the bag. Youkilis would probably be more comfortable heading to the outfield. Just a thought, either way get his and Ortiz bat in the fucking lineup together. Christ on the cross. Relampago Blanco OUT

Is This The Biggest Matchup Inter-league Has Ever Seen?

Everybody hates inter-league play. Usually there is nothing to look forward to in these shit matchup's that ESPN tries to hype up. Red Sox V. Cubs, remember when they both sucked? The Cubs still do but if you guys pretend this is 2002 and earlier this is ganna kick ass. The subway series - once again a good team versus a team that can barely afford to turn the lights on in the stadium anymore. But tonight is an actual legit battle, two teams with real 2011 World Series aspirations. These are the teams everyone picked at the beginning of the year. Boston has been scuffling some as of late but if there was anyone you wanted on the mound for this game it would be Beckett. The guy is such a prick and doesn't care. In all honesty those are the guys you want to pitch in the big games.

josh Beckett V. Cliff Lee 7:05

Does This Guy Actually Do Any Work?

Usually I am down to write just about sports because that is the only thing I want to write about. However, after doing a round through my favorite sites this afternoon I came across a story on Slashfilm.com with yet another press release from Guillermo del Toro claiming he is making another movie. The guy hasn't made anything since the insanely overrated shit-fest that was Hell Boy 2: The Golden Army in 2008. But don't worry fans the fat man has about forty other movies coming out between 2013 - never. This guy just likes to say shit. Make a fucking movie already.

- This is his list of films surely to never hit a screen near you.
- Pacific Rim 2013 - del Toro claims its ganna be the biggest monster movie ever. Doubt it.
- Frankenstein 2012 - Can't wait for it to star Ron Pearlman. The man has never turned down a paycheck.
- At the Mountain of Madness - Never happening
- Pinocchio 2014 - Christ on the cross. Didn't Jonathon Taylor Thomas make a perfectly fine version like 15 years ago?
- Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde 2012 - Not ganna happen brah.

What the Fuck America?

Universal Studios announced today that it will produce "Fast and Furious 6" and intends for the film to be released around Memorial Day May 24, 2013. That's five Goddamn sequels for the piece of shit original and it's keeping Vin Diesel and Paul Walker employed. Worse yet, Fast and Furious 5 had the largest opening day for a Universal Picture EVER and this is the Studio that has released some of the biggest blockbusters of all time like Jaws, E.T., and Jurassic Park, hell anything by Stephen fucking Spielberg. For Christ's sake who's seeing these things? Just stop already, this is getting as painful as those Scary Movie spin-offs.

Not Cute

- Not much to say. Just want to know if this is the ugliest crowd to ever see a fight?

I HATE YOU!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! The biggest fakes in the tennis world have been knocked out of another meaningless tournament that they don't give a shit about because they care more about looking good than winning. Serena is awful, Venus is just - who gives a shit about Venus. God I hate this family. Also everything they wear just accentuates how hideous they really are. PS rumor is Serena smells, just the gift that keeps on giving.

- I wonder if Serena has ever talked about the struggles she has gone through as a strong willed black woman.

Just As Good Damn It!!!!

Congratulations to UCONN's Maya Moore for winning the Honda-Broderick Cup award as the nations top female athlete. What that basically means is she is about on par with the 10th man on a sub-par D2 men's hoop squad. Her dad has to be so pissed she wasn't a boy. But anyways GO...wait, who did she get drafted by? Who cares womens hoops suck.

- Remember when people were saying Lisa Leslie was a model. Thats a dude in that picture, right? Has to be.

Menino Gets Served

For those of you who didn't pick up the Boston Herald this morning just a little diddy of awesomeness written by yours truly can be read here.

What doth Wrong with the BoSox?

Suddenly a team which was running up the score at a record rate and tearing through the American League like a finger through wet toilet paper can't score against some of the most anemic offenses and defenses in the incredibly weak National League. Thus far this season, the Red Sox are an unimpressive 5-5 in interleague play. This team should be obliterating the weaker teams fielded by their older counterparts, yet just when it seems they should be running away with the division they've allowed the New York Yankees to creep within a 1/2 game of their position and have only posted a .500 record in their last ten games. While there's clearly no reason to sound the alarm on this team just yet it is worth noting that the Red Sox appear to be losing steam as injuries take their toll on the starting rotation and the outfield and their inability to capitalize on scoring oppurtunities isn't a good sign.

Beckett pushed back to Tuesday

Sox skipper Terry Francona announced today that Sox ace Josh Beckett, said to be suffering from intestinal problems, has had his start pushed back to Tuesday in Philadelphia. While the fact that Beckett can't shake this problem is worrisome it will be cool to see Beckett, who's hot as ever, start in Philly in what could be a World Series preview.

Danny Ainge Can't Be That Dumb, Right?

The 2011 NBA draft is tonight and by all accounts it is one of the shittiest in years. Right on par with the 2000 draft. The C's hold the 25th pick tonight and there are rumors out there that Rondo could be had for the right price. That right price better be Kobe in his prime because as of right now Rondo is the only building block this team has for the future. Pierce, Allen, and Garnett will be gone in about three years, Jeff Green plays like he is a scared child in a rec game and Baby played like his moniker in the playoffs.

This is a shit draft, just trade the pick get some bench help and let that be that. Ainge has made some solid moves as Boston's GM but if trading Rajon is ganna be the next get his ass out of here.

THE USA PLAYS SOCCER?

After watching SportCenter for about the ninth time in a row it finally dawned on me. Apparently the United States has a soccer team and they're in something called the Gold Cup. They won by the way and the six people that were watching must have been pumped. Look, Relampago Blanco is no futbol fan but once David Beckham gets here from Man U. this shit is ganna take over America.

GO GALAXY!!

- Apparently Beckham got here about five years ago and shit hasn't changed. Soccer sucks and this will be my first and last post on the subject.

Lack-Diesel Takes Mound, Sucks

As God pissed on the Fenway Faithful, Sox pitcher John Lackey took the mound raring to go and promptly served up a long ball to give the Padres an early 1-0 lead. A few rain delays later and Lackey would hand the Padres four more runs and the win. As usual Lackey was quick to take responsibility, oh wait no he didn't. In what has become a constant refrain Lackey took none of the blame, explaining in a postgame presser that he thought he pitched well, just a couple of lucky hits that dropped. Lackey has become the new Dice-K, sparkling in one outing and terrible in another. Also like Dice-K he is stubborn and refuses to acknowledge when he's awful, the closest Lackey has come was in an unusual outburst in the Sox lockerroom where the hurler whined "Everything in my life sucks right now" and promptly stormed off. Yeah, Lackey's not great, but it's not his fault some dick saw this turd and offered it $82.5 million guaranteed.

Bud Selig actually does something Right

News broke this week that MLB Commissioner Bud Selig put the kibosh on Dodgers owner Frank McCourt's multibillion dollar deal with FOX, saying that the deal would effectively "mortgage the future of the Dodgers to the longterm detriment of the club and it's fans" and that such a deal would be structured to "facilitate the further diversion of Dodgers assets to meet the personal needs of Mr. McCourt." Selig has taken alot of heat during his tenure as MLB commish, but he hit a homerun by bitchslapping Frank McCourt, nixing the McCourt's divorce settlement and pushing Frank and ex-wife Jamie towards selling the storied franchise and being run out of baseball altogether. Fuck Frank McCourt, he's the Bernie Madoff of professional sports.

The Manning Bros. - The Anti Williams Sistsers

Eli Manning is never this accurate.

Come On Keith

Keith Law is the go to man for baseball knowledge. Love him, get most of mine from him. Jayson Stark sucks, Tim Kurkjian is harmless but says his name too weird on air for my liking and the MLB Network employs Mitch Williams so not watching that. But is anyone else following this guy on Twitter? His profile reads "Baseball writer, blogger, food lover, heavy reader, boardgamer, dilettante", his personal blog URL is the fucking meadowparty.com

You're better than that Keith.

PS - Love your draft coverage Mr. Law keep up the good work - Relampago Blanco

The Williams Sisters Suck

Is there anything worst than playing sports with girls? How about playing with the Williams sisters? Honestly I sat quietly when everyone said they were beautiful, they're not. Serena could be a power forward and venus looks like Joe Camel. I didn't say anything when ESPN tried to ram them down our throats for about 4 years straight. But yesterday was the final straw, Serena fucking crying because she wants to pretend she still loves tennis so much. This whole family sucks. Can't wait for them to go give the fashion world another shot and fail miserably.

- Both are such majestic regal creatures out there on the court

Larry the Cable Guy: Caucasian answer to Tyler Perry

A few weeks back South Park took a shot at oft maligned "comedian" Tyler Perry, attributing his success to black people being forced to laugh at his unfuny antics. Well, Conan O' Brien had Larry the Cable Guy as his featured guest and I caught Conan laughing uncontrollably at some of the Cable man's unfunny antics and wisecracks. Tyler Perry's painful, but it's time for white America to admit it has a problem too and that problem is, you guessed it, Larry the Cable Guy. His stand-ups awful, his movies are abyssmal yet somehow this guy who has a friggin' trademarked catchphrase like some terrible 70's sitcom star and who's jokes revolve around a morbidly obese sister has raked in the dough, has his own cable show on the History Channel and is set to make a killing this weekend with Cars 2. WTF? This guy has to know he's terrible, I picture his private life being like Jack Black's character in Tropic Thunder, what the hell is wrong with people how is this guy so famous?

Wily Mo Goes Deep for the first time in over a 1,000 days

Wily Mo Pena, one of Sox Gm theo Epstein's biggest whiffs, went deep for the first time in over three years today. It's worth noting that when Epstein traded away Bronson Arroyo to acquire Pena in '06 he envisioned the man dropping bombs all over the major leagues.

McAdam: Drew Has left the Building

Former Projo columnist Sean McAdam, appearing on 98.5 the Sports Hub's Toucher and Rich show (the greatest radio show going), stated that the rumblings around the Red Sox front office is that Sox rightfielder JD Drew has mentally checked out as he nears the end of his tenure with the team. McAdam also revealed and Sox Manager Terry Francona later confirmed that Sox first baseman Adrian Gonzalez will now shift to right, replacing Drew rather than injured leftfielder Carl Crawford in left, during the Sox' upcoming interleague roadtrip. Drew's never been popular here in Boston, but the guys has clearly figured out and has clearly illustrated the last five years that baseball's salary structure is a joke. Aside from personal embarrassment, if some schmuck guaranteed to pay you $14.5 million a year and couldn't pull out no matter how bad you sucked or how many times you made up injuries to take the night off how much effort do you think you'd put into your job?

Boston to Thorton: Leave Felger Alone!!

During last Wednesday's celebration as the Bruins hoisted Lord Stanley's Chalice, Shawn Thorton took a jab at Boston's most negative radio host by looking into an NBC camera and telling Michael Felger to "suck it". Now, I'm not going to go all Chris Crocker on Thorton. I get it, Felger is an acquired taste, I used to hate the guy when he was the Herald's Patriot beat writer back in '04. And I really don't understand his hankering for past their prime women like Hannah Storm or Sarah Palin, it's like wanting to eat only two week old Chinese food. But Felger may be the greatest thing going on Boston Sports Radio and television right now.
       The man's negativity and cynicism jive with Boston Sports fans, along with his constant conviction that the worst is around the corner for any and all of the major four sports teams. I'm one of the biggest Belichick sycophants around, but Felger's constant questioning of Belichick is well founded and a welcome alternative to the total lovefest on WEEI, this was especially true after the Pats completely blew it against the Jets last January. After that loss Belichick deserved some tough questions, not the softballs Ordway and crew served up and only Felger would have the balls to look at Belichick after his explanation of the "eight minute drive to nowhere" and yell BULLSHIT. Elsewhere, the man's radio program is genius. Most of his comments are spot on and he and co-host Tony Masserotti are quick to belittle callers that waste their time. I'm sorry but I know the story of your grandfather taking you to Bruins games when you were young really hits a note with you, but like some of the shit on Pawn Stars your bullshit has no value to anyone else and you deserve to be made fun of mercilessly for waiting on hold 45 minutes to bore the shit out of us. Plus, only Felger could draw the ire of an entire city's media (Montreal). I know he's annoying, I know he's arrogant, but give the man a listen. This Cheesehead belongs here and he's kicking ass on the airwaves.

Sign This Man Now!!!

You have to feel for Butler's Matt Howard. Kid gets to two straight NCAA championship games, one historic, the other historically bad and loses both. He has European talent written all over him, all he wants is a chance to play in the NBA. No problem with that, can't hate on his dream. But Danny Ainge and the Celts did. In there first round of pre-draft workouts they booted Howard ( lets face it the kid would have been horse shit in the National Blackasketball Association) to bring 6' 11'' 340 pounder Matt O'Donnell. He's an offensive line prospect from Canada with insane athleticism for a white man.Most likely he ends up on an NFL roster once they stop bitching at each other and play some games but a fat guy with ups is always something to see. RIP to my man Troy" Escalade" Jackson from the AND 1 tour, the only other fat man with hops. But he was black so this is totally different.

Ainge also said O'Donnell can offer a few things free agent to be El Bambino Grande (Baby Davis) can't give...Size and hopefully the ability to not curl up in the fetal position and eat shit during the playoffs. So there could be a new fan favorite in town.

Kathryn Tappen and Chicken Fingers

We can all agree that Heidi Watney and Erin Andrews are the two best reporter sluts going right now. What I don't get is why my girl, Kathryn Tappen gets no love. Ya Heidi and Erin have the nicer faces and boobs and bums ( Andrews even sent me a tape to confirm the fact but sadly it was hacked and put on the internet for all to see. That's neither here nor there.), but Ms. Tappen is right on par. She doesn't have to date the athletes she reporting on to get some respect. Hell she marries opposing players for christ sakes. Doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks. A real bad ass chick.

Bottom line, now that I have wooed you with my words Kathryn would you be down to split a box of chicken fingers and large fries depending on the cost (no beverages, that's how they really get you). Let me know.

PS - I know that's a picture of Watney to the right. I changed my mind after writing this. Like her better. Would get her her own box of fingers and fries AND a small soda.

Gettin Arab Money!!! ... Hopefully

UPDATE - Most signs point to Purke not heading to the Cape. Odds are its back to TCU for 2012.

Gotta respect the hell out of this guy. Matt Purke has been on every MLB organizations draft boards for a while. He was selected 14th overall by the Texas Rangers in 2009 and being a Scott Boras client, naturally wanted everything under the sun. Texas apparently offered both $4 and $4.7 million, he wanted $6 million. Seems pretty reasonable.

Flash forward to 2011. Purke is now a draft-eligible sophomore because he turned 21 already. And after going 16-0, winning freshman of the year, leading the TCU Horn Frogs to their first College World Series, and no doubt getting with anyone he wanted in 2010, was now in the running to go tops overall in the '11 draft. Only a couple of problems in 2011 he sucked and was hurt. When you suck and are hurt you shouldn't get rewarded, even in todays America where fat kids are getting participation awards because everyone knows they'll never get that blue ribbon. Purke fell to the third round and was grabbed by the Washington Nationals, 96th overall. Their plan is to let him head to the Cape Cod League and follow his progress during the summer like the Sox did with Anthony Ranaudo in 2010. However, the draft is more than two weeks old and he has yet to report. Where the fuck is he? He isn't even listed on any team's roster.

But this is where you really have to fall in love with this kid. After playing like garbage all year, losing velocity, injury his shoulder, basically doing everything he could to prove he should not be paid the big bucks right now, rumors are surfacing he wants more than he asked for in 2009. Texas Rangers President, Nolan Ryan said that was the reason he passed Purke over twice this year. What fucking balls, " Yeah I was shit this year, but I could be awesome down the road".Tremendous.

In all seriousness Purke was a favorite of Relampago Blanco's before the draft and I really wished the Sox would have grabbed him because he is a big time talent. But the real winner here is the Washington Nationals. They had another awesome draft in '11 and a ridiculous day one this year. Matt Purke was a third round pick. If he ever comes out of his cave and heads to the Cape and tears shit up, boom another first round talent in their system. Washington GM Mike Rizzo is always down to throw big dollars at top talent in the draft. If he comes out and continues to be the very definition of average, can't win em all, they get a compensation pick next year. Amerka!

Aceves Shows Why He Belongs in the Bullpen

Spot starter Alfredo Aceves was a key factor in the Sox loss tonight as he walked 5 consecutive Padres with two outs in the 2nd inning, the Sox ended up losing 5-4. It's worth noting though that it's only the Sox' 4th loss in the month of June.

Deadspin has analyzed the Bruins $100k+ bar tab from Saturday Night

Deadspin has analyzed the Bruins $156,679.74 racked up at Foxwoods Saturday Night. The Bill apparently included a $100,000 30 liter bottle of champagne of which there are only 6, well now 5, in the world. I'm not much for hockey, but that's a hell of a party. The Full story can be read here.

El Bambino Grande said He Wasn't "Mentally Right" in Playoffs

The Celtics Glen "Big Baby" Davis, appearing at a charity event Monday night in Boston, remarked that he wasn't "mentally right" in this year's postseason where he flat out sucked a year after making his mark in the 2010 playoff run.

Sox Dismantle Padres

The Sox exploded in the seventh inning coasting to an easy 14-5 win when it looked like it'd be a tight one.It's their sixth game of scoring 10+ runs in June. Not too bad.

Weird Al Still Fucking Exists

Yeah, somehow they found him and this zany mofo is now parodying Lady Gaga. WHOA, now that's never been done, what will he do next?

Papi Has 7 Minute At Bat

David Ortiz just had a seven minute battle with Padres pitcher Wade LeBlanc before finally depositing the ball in short left and plating Dustin Pedroia. Sox lead 1-0 in the bottom of the first.

Tyree Would Trade New Englander's Most Painful Memory To End Gay Marriage

David Tyree, the hack wide receiver who somehow managed to ruin the 2007 Patriots run at a perfect season in Superbowl XLII, said today that he would trade the moment he coralled the football against his head as Rodney Harrison was draped all over him if it meant gays would no longer be able to get married. When asked by the New York Daily News if he truly meant he would give up the moment that defined his career and the only reason why anyone even knows his name Tyree responded, "Honestly? Yeah, I probably would." Oh, if only you could David, if only you could.

Andrew Miller Takes Hill Tonight

Former phenom Andrew Miller gets the start for the Sox tonight after going 3-3 with a 2.47 ERA and 61 strikeouts in 13 games with the PawSox down in Rhode Island. Miller's slated to fill in for Clay Bucholz while the latter is on the 15 day disabled list for a stiff back.

Jackass Star Ryan Dunn Won't Be Down For Breakfast

Jackass and Viva La Bam Star Ryan Dunn died in a car crash today at the age of 34. Hell of a way to go considering his wikipedia page cites sticking a toy car up his rectum in the Jackass movie as a career highlight.

Why is Massachusetts Waging War on Your Brewdogs?

            As the Bruins hoisted the Stanley Cup in Vancouver, many of the bars which have benefited from a long playoff run were shuttered or forced to turn away patrons after a certain point. A planned viewing party to be held at TD Banknorth Garden was cancelled as the city insisted on limiting alcohol sales at the venue. These draconian measures would be extraordinary in most cities, but in Massachusetts, and more specifically Boston, it’s business as usual.

            Just weeks ago as the Red Sox planned to sell liquor at five concession stands around Fenway, there was a massive outcry and the allocation a liquor license for these venues was put momentarily in doubt. The newspapers were filled with horror stories from supposed victims of alcohol, all largely ignoring the fact that those affected simply couldn’t control themselves.

            This state which prides itself on being progressive and enlightened is decidedly prudish and downright puritan when it comes to booze. Bars are to be shuttered at 2am, liquor sales stop altogether at 11pm and bar owners are burdened by some of the most overbearing dram shop laws in the nation. Last year, as the state sought yet more revenue, the easy answer was to slap a tax on your six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Any attempt to protest was shouted down by the MADD set and nanny state democrats.

            What is this state and this city’s problem with alcohol? Why is your Coors Light as vile to Tom Menino as your pack of Marlboros?

Midgets Be Crazy

It's not so much Mini Brittney Spears Stripping on Stage it's the strange little person with a giant dollar sign around his neck at the 1:53 mark that makes this video. What the hell is he doing that's making the crowd so upset?

Jurassic Park IV on Again

This has nothing to do with sports, but Steven Spielberg is apparently trying to start up talks about a possible fourth Jurassic Park Movie. I want to say let it go bro, the franchise is already dead, but sadly we'll all probably see it despite the fact that the last two movies were absolute dogshit.

Coming Clean: Americans Don't Care About Steroids in Sports

            I have always maintained that when it comes right down to it, the majority of people don’t actually care about steroid use in sports, rather they’re offended by the personalities of the alleged offenders. Beyond the hue and cry of an uneven playing field, ignoring the fact that such a thing arguably never existed, look no further than to how people have reacted to the supposed steroid scandal over the last decade.

            There’s been a litany of books detailing the pervasiveness of steroids in American athletics over the last decade, but what makes the news, what dominates the headlines, is not the actual details of the steroid use itself, it’s the salacious, seedy tidbits which titillate and create bestsellers. Game of Shadows, didn’t captivate with details of Barry Bonds’ alleged steroid regimen. Rather, it was the detailing of Bonds’ racially motivated jealously towards Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, his unseemly relationship with Kimberly Bell, Victor Conte’s lack of medical training and Marion Jones surly, outrageous behavior behind the scenes. Ditto for Jeff Pearlman’s The Rocket That Fell To Earth. People weren’t captivated by scenes of Clemens being injected by Brian McNamee, it was the details of his relationship with an underage Mindy Mcready and other such disasters that made the book a bestseller. Same with Jose Canseco’s tome, Juiced, people ripped the book off the shelves simply to be in the know of who was using and who was not. Steroid use may have been the motivating factor behind all three of these bestsellers, but it’s not what got them flying off the shelves and kept them on the bestseller list. (I’ll admit it though, I was one of the few saps who was legitimately entertained by Canseco’s ramblings)      

The Lockout is Bullshit, We Hate you Both

            The NFL Lockout is almost a hundred days old and there’s still no resolution in sight. Sure, we’re supposed to be hopeful that not-so-secret, secret talks taking place between the NFLPA and ownership over the last few days will yield a new CBA, but needless to say I’m not holding my breath. I was confident this thing wouldn’t get past March, nobody, or at least I thought, was stupid enough to put an estimated $9 Billion dollars in revenue in jeopardy.

            Yet, here we are.

            This is getting tedious.

Kevin Faulk Will Not be Denied

Mighty Mite running back Kevin Faulk declared this week that he does not intend to retire and wants to return to the Patriots if there is a season. I'll admit I was late hopping on the Faulk bandwagon as a series of key fumbles during the Superbowl seasons of '03 and '04 flat out pissed me off, but ever since '06 and his underrated '07 season where he didn't fumble once I get what the Man in the Gray Hood saw in number 33. It's unknown how much Faulk as in the tank after losing an entire season to injury, but at the very least it'll be interesting as the Patriots now conceivably have three third down backs vying for a limited amount of roster spots.

Boston Radio Wars: Why the Sports Hub is Dominating 'EEI

For years around these parts WEEI was king of the radio dial. At one point, Glen Ordway’s big show was recognized by ESPN Magazine as the top rated sports show in the nation. ‘EEI’s handout flyers can be seen being displayed in retrospectives of the 2004 Red Sox championship and are immortalized in the NFL Films dealing with the three Patriot Superbowl runs. ‘EEI was invincible, even knocking off an ESPN insurgency in the middle of the last decade.

            My, my how things have changed.

Red Sox Dominate Brewers, Take Fifth Straight Series

The local nine raped the Brew Crew today at Fenway Park 12-3, winning their fifth straight series after being swept at home by the Chicago White Sox. Tim Wakefield got the win as Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedroia and even friggin' Marco Scutaro homered, with A-Gon adding in his third triple of the year. This team's lookin' pretty, pretty good right now.

Why Can No One Challenge ESPN?

      ESPN dominates the cable television sports market, of that there is no question. According to Nielsen the network averages 3.94 million viewers per week, of which 1.77 million are in the highly coveted 18-49 demographic. The question is why? Why can no one challenge ESPN’s dominance?

            It doesn’t seem like it’d be that hard for an investor or network willing to put in the money to acquire the talent and secure the broadcast rights for a nightly highlight show. I mean everyone likes sports right? Surely, if you build it, they will come.

Seriously, This is a Real Product

Bored with your toast, white bread? Your Rye need a little something guy? Then you need to check out PRO TOAST, a toaster that will not only toast your bread but emblazon your favorite sports logo upon your slice of wheat in the morning. How did Patton Oswalt's character not have this thing in Big Fan?

Bruins Have Parade, Boston Not Burning

The Bruins had their rolling rally today and Boston still stands. No word from the Menino Administration of "punks using Port-O Potties as weapons" or if "Dropkick Murphy" was on a float.

Shame on You El Presidente

Dave Portnoy, better known as El Presidente, from BarStool Sports made an appearance yesterday on WEEI's Dennis & Callahan Show, sans the Fat Man but plus some annoying fill in. Come on Portnoy, you're better than that, don't canoodle with these douchebags.

Am I the Only One that Thinks Jade McCarthy's a Smokeshow?

So through a little polling it's come to my attention that I'm the only one who thinks NESNs Jade McCarthy is fucking hot. A few people have looked at me like I just came out of the closet when I even broach the subject. I'm sorry but Hazel Mae, Sasquatch with tits, was hot but this chick isn't?

Why is Whoopi Goldberg Famous?

I'm sorry, but I just saw this little gem on TV:

Seriously, WTF?!? That's friggin' gross. The worst part is the asshole who posted this on youtube was raving about how much they loved this commercial because it's so funny!!! Who are these people? And how the hell has Whoopi made it so far in showbiz? Have you seen Theodore Rex? Eddie? Made in America? They're all fucking atrocious and her stand-up is painful. Her most successful film effort was fucking Sister Act, I seriously want to puke just thinking about it and this god damn commercial. She's parlayed this career of hot dump into hundreds of millions of dollars and she now feels she's accomplished enough to lecture people on their life choices from her comfy seat on that awful bitchfest The View. Only In America.

He's Baaaaack

During Saturday's telecast of the Jon Lester shitfest that so far is the Sox-Brewers game NESN was nice enough to give some airtime to horrible of all horribles Dr. Charles Steinberg. You remember this guy, he's the asshole who saddled us with Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" in the middle of the eighth inning of every Goddamn Sox game.

Charlie Moore Must be Stopped

I'm not one to begrudge anyone theur success, but seriously how the hell does Charlie Moore get any airtime. I understand NESN exists to showcase the Red Sox and the Bruins and the rest of their programming is pretty much just alot of crap, but why does Charlie Moore dominate the lineup and whose naked photos does the Mad Fisherman possess that saw him swing a national gig with Versus?
    Who's watching this crap? And who's laughing at this assholes supposedly zany antics? And how the hell did this guy snag such MILF of a wife?

LAUNCH PARTY!!

And we're off! Welcome to Durty Watah, a little spot where you'll get alot of crap mostly dealing with sports and the Hub of the Universe, Boston. To celebrate we brought in this hot little number for your enjoyment, we figure you can still scroll through with one hand.