SIGN HIM

As Jonathon Papelbon nears free agency the multitudes of miserable human beings who call into sports radio across New England have been all to eager to show the outspoken and dimwitted closer the door. Good riddance they have said collectively and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. The vitriol expressed by these embittered remnants of the "fellowship of the miserable" is confusing because first Papelbon, aside from a few comments here and there, hasn't really done anything egregiously wrong and second, he's pretty damn good. Most of those seeking Papelbon's departure cite the fact that Daniel Bard resides in the bullpen and they believe he can easily step in and fill Papelbon's 9th inning time slot. The reality however is, while Bard has has put together two nice little seasons, he's also thrown up a multitude of red flags that he's just not ready for the job and possibly may never be. A little aside when perusing Bard's statistics reveals that he has allowed leadoff hitters to hit .300 against him this year, though admittedly he has held the following batters to a .133 average against. Even worse, Bard's ERA is nearly three runs higher in games not played in the friendly confines of Fenway. Papelbon meanwhile, after what can only be described as a down year, has rebounded nicely and has put together another sterling campaign, compiling 20 saves by the all star break. Papelbon is on an historic pace career wise and while he'll easily demand a multi-year contract that will command somewhere north of $12 million a year he's more than worth it as he's a sure thing entering his prime. The man's been a solid, well above average closer for over six seasons winning one world series and, aside from a shoulder injury at the end of the '06 season, has proven to be extremely durable and reliable. The man may not be a mensa candidate and may be guilty of putting his foot in his mouth but he's proven he can get the job done whereas Bard will be nothing but a question mark entering the 2012 season. This is Brady versus Cassel redux, stick with the one you know.

TEAM USA IS PEARL HARBORED

Team USA lost today in the final of the woman's world cup to Japan despite never having trailed to the Japanese through 120 minutes of gametime. In the end it was a series of penalty kicks that sank the womens team chances at a world championship. According to ESPN this is a huge American tragedy, its 9/11 times 1,000,  Hurricane Katrina or seeing Kathy Bates naked in About Schmidt all rolled into one. In reality though nobody really gives a shit because this sport is ridiculously uninteresting and will never catch on here. Thank God its over.

NBA IS FINE

Looks the NBA is doing just fine during the lockout. Only had to layoff 114 employees in two days, no big deal. Shit happens all the time. Just a real thriving league, only losing about $300 million a season. No worries though Deron Williams is ganna go play in Turkey, if he can ONLY make $11 million a season then it's not worth playing here. Them's is salve wages. Good call deron.

SETH MEYERS IS NOT GOOD AT BEING FUNNY

Got through about 30 seconds.

I DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here people go again calling Serena good looking. Are you fucking kidding me, barstool just had this video up and I think they actually liked it. Dude she looks like Terry Crews. She's fucking hideous, cut the shit already

IF IT LOOKS LIKE SHIT, SMELLS LIKE SHIT, THEN IT'S SHIT

Sean Penn is not for everyone. But in this he shouldn't be for anyone. This is ganna be a giant piece of shit.

TEAM USA IS PROBABLY GOING TO SUCK NOW.

Well now the NBA lockout is fucking with something like eight to ten people care about, the Olympics. Both the winter and summer games are awful but what is interesting is seeing Team USA kick the shit out of everyone on the roundball courts. Now that doesn't look like it's going to happen. Dwyane Wade now says he is undecided about returning to the 2012 team and since Lebron is his bitch he is going to say the same thing and make it seem like he came up with the idea himself. And since everyone in the NBA is concerned about being mad chill in front of their homies the rest will probably pass too. Looks like the USA is going to suck at international basketball again.

JAMES HARRISON IS STILL A MORON.

James Harrison proves again he is a giant ass. Its one thing to shit all over Goodell because that guy actually does seem like a power hungry douchebag. But now Harrison is shitting all over the offense on his own team for their super bowl lose last year to the Green Bay Packers. He called Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall a fumbling machine and even criticizes quarterback Ben Rothlisberger "Hey, at least throw a pick on their side of the field instead of asking the D to bail you out again. Or hand the ball off and stop trying to act like Peyton Manning. You ain't that and you know it, man; you just get paid like he does," he said, referring to Roethlisberger's two interceptions in the game."

This guy does know he eventually has to get back to playing with these guys. I mean I'm sure he actually doesn't give a shit and could easily kick the shit out of both men because he's insane. But why not just say this when your hammered with your buddies, ESPN is ganna take this shit and run with it. You just gave them fourteen weeks of shows.

THIS WILL SUCK, NO WAY AROUND IT.

Relampago Blanco is not a smart man. He can't help you with your math, science, or english. Hell, I still don't really know the rules of proper grammar but what I do know is baseball and movies. And when a movie comes out featuring my favorite thing on earth I naturally show some level of excitement. Except this time. Watching the four hour ad for Money Ball tonight on Fox leads me to only one conclusion, this movie is going to be a piece of shit. Look, I love Brad Pitt, guy is money in the bank everytime he's in a movie as far as this kids concerned, Jonah Hill is okay...I guess. I even like Chris Pratt, but this movie just looks like pure shit. From head to toe this looks like a CBS mini-series. The book was awesome but there was no way this could work as a movie and this shit is going to prove it. Plus Billy Beane's shit doesn't work,just because a guy has a solid OBP doesn't mean he's ganna be great if he can't hit for average, or hit for some power; The A's have actually zero power which proves my point. Just to many B type players on the A's, while everyone else has taken this formula and gotten some A type players with it to make winners - See Tampa Bay Rays. I could go off on a tagent about this but my point is Oakland has made only one appearance in the ALCS under Beane in 2006 (lost) and haven't been a winner in years. Everyone from the draft in the book is gone and Nick Swisher is the only one that has had anything resembling a career. I mean Papelbon was drafted in the 43rd round that year but A's didn't sign em, so can't win em all. Just ganna suck,still ganna see it though.

Just Heath Being Heath

Not much to say here. Just Heath Bell loving life and being the man. This has been his coming out party and he hasn't even done anything besides give kids backpacks full of free shit, sign autographs during the game, carry a huge bat during the derby. Play on Heath, play on.

SPORTS WRITERS ARE ASSHOLES.

"The catchphrase of NBA Lockout 1998-99: "We make a lot of money, but we spend a lot, too.''

The catchphrase of NBA Lockout 2011 (and probably ‘12): "How often am I going to get this chance again, to go over and live abroad, in a great city, learn another culture -- you know, experience things?” -

That's from David Steele's column today on the Sporting News. This blowhard is honestly trying to say Deron Williams is putting a good face on this NBA lockout. That it is all about the players wanting to go over to Europe because they want to experience new things. Can't even think of anything clever, just shut the fuck up David Steele, you suck, Deron Williams sucks, the NBA sucks, except for the Celts. Go Celts!

NATE ROBINSON IS GOING TO WASTE HIS AND THE NFL'S TIME DURING THE LOCKOUT

“I might go play football,” the 5-foot-9 Robinson said. “Do something that nobody's tried to do. If I can, I would love to play football a little bit. I've been doing a little bit of training. Why wouldn't you want to have an NBA player that can play football try out? That's a lot of publicity for your organization.” - That's Nate Robinson speaking with the Dailey Oklahoman about how he is going to fail at playing professional football. Bro you're only 5'9, you haven't played since freshman year of college. You can dunk, which is cool but just stop, you're not playing football during the lockout. It's fine trying to act like a tough guy in the NBA, where no one knows how to fight but if you pull your shit in the NFL you will seriously get murdered - see Ray Lewis or even Albert Haynesworth probably.

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS FAT MAN?

Did anyone else catch this freak (fat guy hugging Cano in the pic) that kept coming up to Cano during the derby last night? Why is no one talking about him? I can't find any video of him being as awful as he truly was last night but they never even explained who he was, or if they did I didn't catch it. He was in all seriousness one of the worst people I have ever seen, he would only open Robby's waters by biting off the cap and was always interrupting him while he was celebrating with people who matter like his dad and other famous people. It was fucking disgusting, can't be any worst than drinking New York tap water but still fucking gross non the less.

WHAT THE FUCK ESPN?

They did it, they actually did it. ESPN has actually made the homerun derby boring. For weeks they have been shoving the AL vs NL battle for the 2011 derby down our throats. League versus League they said, its ganna be great. Well tonights the night and all it is is the same individual battle its always been, except a couple of guys get to pick players for each side this year. It was suppose to start at eight and the first pitch didn't come until around 8:20 but don't worry we got a cool concert from some unknown country band and they had like pretty big sparklers behind the stage it was really sick. Then there is the grouping, I like each player on each side but it is actually just a boring group, like no personality outside of Papi. Papi is the man everyone of his guys came up during introductions and looked pumped, he first pumped and hug each one and they were all smiles. Then came the national group, Prince is the worst captain. It looked like no one wanted to be there, not a hug or a smile from anyone. Even with the Major League homerun leader in the mix, Jose Bautista, just boring. Rickie Weeks? Come on Prince. And the commentators, Christ. Chris Berman is awful and needs to quit, Nomar is the new Joe Morgan, just as boring as they come, Kruk is awesome but he's not Charles Barkley, he can't carry this shit by himself. They turned it into the new slam dunk contest and that shit got old real fast. ESPN you have sucked the life out of a sport once again.

UPDATE - Boy does this kid have egg on his face. This was quite a knee jerk reaction post, eh? Turns out this is one of the best derby's ever. ROBINSON CANO AND ADRIAN GONZALEZ ARE AWESOME, ESPN CONTINUES TO SUCK.

ESPN USES HYPERBOLE ONCE AGAIN

Saw this over on Barstool today and to watch this video makes me wish I was seeing what they were seeing. Did someone just throw a game winning touchdown in the super bowl? Did the Sox embarrass the Yankees again to end some other curse? Did Lebron just have a career ending ACL injury on the court on a dirty crossover from JJ Barera? Nope it was fucking Team USA in the quaterfinals of the Women's World Cup. Naturally ESPN is turning this into something its not, an epic game. It was just ranked as one of the top ten most dramatic events in sports history, ahead of Buckner in '86, Kirk Gibson shot in the series, or Latner's hoop over Kentucky to get to the Final Four. All of which are some of the most exciting things I have ever seen on replay. This honestly gets no reaction from me, this is going to be up there with the 1999 Women's World Cup victory. The same victory that apparently was so huge that soccer was going to take over America. Didn't happen, what did happen was a failed Women's Soccer League and the WNBA. I can say with 100 percent confidence no one will be talking about this in five years. I would rather watch two gay guys snuggling for 90 minutes or however long these games are than watch a single match of soccer period let alone women's soccer.

NBA: DUMBER THAN SHIT

I actually like Deron Williams the player but like most people associated with today's NBA, Williams has now proven himself to be a moron. For the last week it seems he has been parading around how great it would be if a bunch of players headed to Europe to play instead of playing in a league with value like the NBA. Now this guy is saying that he thinks players are going to stay long term overseas. Does he get it at all? We the fans already hate you guys for locking out but the fact that your league is full of people dumber than anyone in the NFL or MLB makes us realize we aren't getting basketball for awhile. The players in the NBA have been living in a fantasy world, NBA commish David Stern has turned it into such a star driven league that he has given them all the leverage. Deron, it's dumb shits like you that are the reason the NBA employs a system that has 22 of the 30 teams losing money. Look, it's pretty simple the NBA is the third most popular sport right now. If you guys lock out the fans will fucking hate you and if it goes on for a substantial amount of time and we lose a season or two you guys are toast. That means people won't come back, no more money, no more glory, no more 30 car garages, no more diamond encrusted basketballs, or 400 dollar tattoos for your three baby mama's. It took people a while to get back into baseball after the 1994 strike and we actually cared about them. You think we give a shit if we never see a New Jersey Nets game ever again? Fuck off.

UPDATE - Just read this gem from this fucking moron Williams fron ESPN the magazine -Deron Williams is a headliner, but, depending on the direction of the lockout, he sees even bigger names playing overseas. Williams said any collective bargaining agreement that would leave stars such as Kobe Bryant making only $11 million a year -- the owners have proposed cutting players' salaries by roughly a third -- could open the door for an unprecedented exodus to Europe. "[Kobe] could go make more money overseas, I guarantee you," said Williams. ... "I see him going to China or somewhere," said Williams, who teamed with Bryant to help the U.S. win the gold medal at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. "He's big in China. I was over there with him in Beijing. He's 'The Man' over there."
- I bet Kobe's dream all along was to one day be the top player in a second rate Chinese basketball league. Good call Deron.

TNT HALFTIME WILL NOW BE COMPLETELY UNWATCHABLE, INSTEAD OF ONLY SLIGHTLY UNWATCHABLE

Kenny Smith probably already fells bad enough about himself being surrounded by hall of famers like Magic and Sir Charles. However, it now looks like a third is on the way, reports are saying the Shaqtus is set to join TNT when the NBA lockout is over ( which will be never). As a player in his prime there were few better than Shaq but watching his last year with the Celts play like a bitch and then still try to act funny makes me hate him. So, this should pretty much make TNT halftime broadcast from Atlanta one of the worst things on TV as Shaq is definitely going to try to make this whole thing about him by doing one of his unfunny routines. I can pretty much gaurantee he is going to come out with the Jabbawockeez his first time on the show ala the 09 All-Star game. It was fucking awful then and its ganna be worst now. Kenny Smith isn't funny, Ernie Johnson isn't funny and Shaq isn't funny. Charles Barkley is actually funny though.

YAO AND CHINA SUCK REAL BAD

So China wants to give up on the NBA because their third rate star of a player is retiring. Apparently some poll shows that 57 percent would just stop watching all together,to quote Larry Bird from Celtic Pride " I hate fans like you". Who Knew the Chinese would go back on their word, a country full of commi' would stop supporting something if they don't get anything out of it, shocking."He is one of the most influential people in today's society -- especially to those born in the '80s," said Ren Bo, a 25-year-old sports trainer. "It's probably going to be a while until we see another Yao Ming." . Maybe in your weird fetish society Ren Bo but Yao wasn't shit here. At best he was the third top center in the league at any given time. He would have gotten smoked by the Dream, Robinson, or Ewing in their primes. I'm actually a little glad this shit is over. Maybe David Stern will stop concentrating on trying to break into a market that wants nothing to do with him and get going on getting a CBA done for fans here. Also don't let China vote in the All-Star game anymore.

CooL Neck Brace Mr. Jones

Is this fucking kid kidding me defending Pacman. Yeah Pacman has shown he isn't that crazy to get into it with the cops. Nah, no way. Totally see where you're coming from bro. 100 percent see you going far with that sports gaming channel.

Dude why do they keep coming after you Pacman? Has to just be the man holding a brother down, can't be any other reason for it. Yeah, no way he did anything. Look cops are dicks but they don't just go up to people and kick the shit out of them. Well they do but Pacman sucks and there is a 100 percent chance he was acting like an ass. Doubt he's ganna use the race card in this at all.

Is Pacman kidding me with this shit? Nice neck brace bro. This guy is one of, if not the biggest piece of shit in a league that has seen plenty of them. Christ he paralyzed a guy and got away with it scott free. If he didn't run a sub 4.4 forty I can pretty much gaurantee that he would be in year four of a fifty year stretch for whatever dumb shits like him do.

- I tried to upload the Pacman interview directly from ESPN.com but since they are NAZI's they don't allow you to embed their videos. Eat shit, you guys suck.

LESTER ADDED TO AL ROSTER

Big Jon has been added to the AL All-Star team roster, his second consecutive selection. He is replacing Seattle Mariners ACE, Felix Hernandez, who started todays game and is therefore ineligible. Lester has zero personality but who cares he's better than Kevin fucking Corria and actually deserving of a spot. But since he is on the 15-day DL he won't be able to pitch in the game but he will be introduced with full honors and then replaced by Ricky Romero of the Blues Jays. So his selection makes a ton of sense but whatever another Sox getting some love.

I would also do bad things to his lady friend.

Kevin FUCKING Correia? Seriously?

UPDATE - Kimbrel was selected as Matt Cains replacement but he shouldn't have had to fucking wait in the first place.

NL Manager Bruce Boochy, says he can't pick a replacement for Matt Cain until after tonights Mets/Giants game meaning Atlanta pitchers Tommy Hanson and Craig Kimbrel are still in the running for a spot. But are you kidding me with this move? Kevin Correia over Craig Kimbrel as Cole Hammels replacement? First off all I don't get the whole picking of the setup man Johnny Venters over Kimbrel but now Kevin fucking Correia over Craig. Horse Shit. Venters is having a fine year but setup men just shouldn't be All-Stars. Kimbrel is leading the Majors in saves. Major League Baseball says they went by the rules and Correia was the next in line behind Hamels but even they had to be thinking this is such a horse shit selection. If the Pirates get anyone in the All- Star game it should be Andrew McCutchen. Correia has a 4.00 era, has given up more hits than innings pitched, and is on pace to barely get over 100 k's. Kimbrel IS LEADING THE MAJORS IN SAVES as a rookie, has a 2.40 era, and is on pace for more K's than Correia. Just fucking miserable moves all around.

Can we also get rid of the every team needs to be represented rule? I wanna know six people who are shitting themselves with anticipation over seeing Aaron Crow or Tyler Clippard pitch.

IS THIS SHIT OVER YET?

The USA women's soccer team beat the favored Brazilian team 2-2 today in front of a crowd of, at most, six. You didn't misread that they won 2-2, they say it was 5-3 on penalty kicks but naturally 2-2 makes more sense. God soccer is fucking awful, ties in professional sports are fucking miserable. Also ESPN stop putting this shit on every channel. I guarantee you these are some of the lowest rated shows on the WORLD WIDE LEADER IN SPORTS. Yet they won't be denied. Christ will someone please create their own sports network to end this shit. Also fire Stuart Scott.

- This is honestly the first and last time I have been interested in Women's futbol.

WHO HAS NEXT?

Derek Jeter recorded his 3000th hit today, a solo shot off of Rays starter David Price in the third. He is only the second player ever to record his 3000th on a long ball, the first being Wade Boggs when he was a member of the Rays when they sucked. That's all well and good but what is really interesting though is that even with the Yanks significant history Jeter is only the first to record all 3000 career hits while wearing the pinstripes. Even as a die hard Sox fan you have to respect Jeter. Guy plays the game the right way, says the right things, granted he acted like a bitch this offseason trying to get a contract he didn't deserve. But who cares, he only has probably four more years left in this game, why not get as much as you can?

But even though Jeter is the first Yankee to hit 3000, is the second playing in the same infield? Robinson Cano was never expected to hit as well as he has in the Majors. He was a marginal prospect in the minors but ever since taking over second base for New York all he has done is hit. Jeter came up as a 21 year old in 1995 and recorded 1199 hits from 1995-2001. Cano was a year older and has done nothing but hit, recording 1075 in his first six seasons from 2005-2010. Jete dog had 2150 after his first 12 big league seasons, Cano is on pace to match that in his first 12 big league seasons. Cano will obviously be a year older and will have to cut down on his free swinging but he could match the Captains feat around his 38th birthday. Naturally this all depends on if the Yanks keep Robby around.

- But a bigger question is, could Cano actually become a better Yankee than Jeter? He hits for more power,drives in as many runs, and actually plays very good defense as opposed to sports writers giving Jeter a gold glove because he's cool. The only thing in Derek's favor is he gets on base more. Could be an interesting debate in the future.

Peace Out Yao

Yao Ming finally called it quits after nine seasons in the NBA. What is more awesome, is the fact that I said he wouldn't be shit from day 1. Yes, he was voted to eight All-Star games but that is only because for some reason David Stern allowed China to vote. If Germany had a vote Dirk would have about 10 deserving starts as opposed to Yao's one in 07-08. Since they were from the same draft, I compared Yao to Amare from the very beginning. I would constantly have arguments with my friends about how Amare is ten times the player Yao is. But since he had a stick up his ass he didn't want to hear it. Yao is obviously the best player ever 7'6'' and over but when you are going against Sean Bradley and George Muresan there really isn't much competition.

Yao was a center that was never going to lead a team to a championship, he didn't rebound anywhere near as well as he should have for his size and as such only barely averaged double digit boards in two seasons. He had stamina problems and just wasn't tough enough. Hell, his career high for blocks per game in a season is two, both Gerald Wallace and Josh Smith have done that. Granted they are far more athletic but they are also almost a foot shorter but that just points back to Yao being afraid to bang. He was a center who seemed more comfortable shooting the five footer. Naturally I was right about Yao,Amare is better and he also had micro-facture surgery on his knees. People are going to say it is only because of injuries but its not, he just was never good enough. Another case of the NBA not listening to Relampago Blanco and dragging their feet with a 7 footer who was never going to help.

TWINS ARE PROBABLY PUMPED....

Joe Mauer made his Major League debut at first base tonight for the Twins. He actually played really well, making some pretty solid stops, going 3 for 5 and driving in two runs. I think it is exactly what Minnesota signed up for when they agreed to an eight year $184 million dollar deal with big Joe. I mean what team wouldn't want to get on average eight bombs, and 59 rbi's out of their first bagger. Look, I like Mauer, he's athletic (he was national football/baseball player of the year his senior year of high school), and he swings a good bat so he should continue to hit for average. However, his value has to go down almost ten fold, right? Catching in the Majors is such a weak position that getting anyone that could hit and give you anywhere near the production the likes of Mauer or Buster Posey from the Giants can is rare. Lately, Joey here has had a string of knee injuries; he's never played more than 146 games in a season,the move from behind the plate to first was inevitable, so I don't disagree with it. But you could get Adam Lacroche or Lyle Overbay to give you those numbers at only a fraction of the cost to man first. Defensively he should be fine though, he's athletic, has soft hands, and moves well around the bag. The days of getting the gold glove every year are most likely over with Adrain Gonzalez, Mark Texeria, even Eric Hosmer from the Royals patrolling the position but all in all he will be fine. Offensively he doesn't rank up. Miguel Cabrera and Gonzalez can hit for average like Mauer and put him to shame when it comes to power and driving in run's, Texeria, although clearly a dick and someone who can't hit for average like Mauer, also out ranks him in both power and driving in runs. All three also get on base just as well. Mauer just went from being the best in the league at his position to maybe one day being the fourth. Hell, who knows if he will be able to past Hosmer. The Twinkies just got themselves a 23 million dollar first basemen who hits as many homers per year as Daric Barton, not ganna be pumped about that. All is not lost though, Mauer is still going to hit for average and get on base - he just has less value to his team and is there for a let down to everyone. But in all seriousness if the move to first is a permenant one, which it should be if he hopes to extend his career, he probably has some Paul Molitor in him. Not all bad.

Also one last thing,did anyone think to talk to Justin Morneau about this move? He can't be pleased about this one.

Insanity

So watching TV lately I’ve come across Animal Planet’s investigative television show “Finding Bigfoot.” The premise of the show alone is stupid, but when there’s nothing else on you’ll give it a look. A team of four investigators, credentials and employment status unknown, troll around the country’s backwoods in search of the legendary monster. Now, seeing as this show is on a discovery network you’d expect the team would maintain some sense of rationality or even reality, but oh no buddy, these four are balls to wall batshit crazy. Their investigations consist of having one team member, a cartoonish seven footer named “Bobo”, make an ass of himself acting like Bigfoot for alleged witnesses and walking around the woods at night with a thermal imaging camera. Occasionally, one of these insane people will scream into the distance in an act they assure us will attract a Bigfoot, because after all, they tell us with absolute certainty, that is how a Bigfoot communicates. Sometimes in response a noise can be heard in the distance, but rather than explain it away as a neighbor’s dog being disturbed, an echo, or even just a drunk fucking with them, they freeze for the camera smile and tell us things like, “There’s a ‘squatch in these woods.”

            It gets worse, a lot worse. They’ll usually find the most hillbilly, Deliverance type town of locals, and call a town meeting. On a recent trip to Washington State the billboard outside Twon Hall asked passerby if “You Seen Sasquatch?” Not, “Have you seen Sasquatch” mind you, just “You Seen?” Predictably, the worst of the worst showup, along with a smattering or bored housewives who spike their coffee with moonshine, and they all raise their hands step forward and describe with horror the night they came in contact with the mythical great ape of the Americas. Most people would be skeptical as these yocals spun their tales, but not these four intrepid explorers. No, these guys nod their head in understanding and then look into the camera and ask, “What reason would they have to lie?” Which is a good question, I mean why would people with hardly any money, living a town with a population of twenty, lie simply to see themselves on television? Yeah, you’re right, they must’ve seen a ‘squatch.

            Recently, the team came across a deer carcass in the woods of North Carolina. The team inspected the carcass and then calmly declared with certainty that this was indeed a Sasquatch kill. When told there were bears and possibly panthers in the woods, they dismissed such a notion immediately, saying only a Bigfoot could’ve done such a thing. The only team member who approaches sanity at point is the one female of the group, who coincidentally looks like Thelma from Scooby Doo. When confronted with a shadowy photo of Bigfoot she has the gall to suggest that it could just be a person in a gorilla costume and this sends the other three members into hysterics, looking into the camera and telling us that she’s not that bright.

            It’ll be enjoyable when all four of these assholes end up in the loony bin, but for now it’s fun to watch as Animal Planet supplants Lifetime as television network for idiots.

           

Retard Radio

Well, it was retard hour this morning as Globe columnist Bob Ryan and Studio Host Kathryn Tappen filled in for the insufferable Dennis & Callahan that I was forced to listen to because the even more insufferable Damon Amedolora was filling in for Toucher and Rich. After a mediocre guest spot by Sean McDonough, the son of a guy, Will Mcdonough, who kinda knew Whitey Bulger (I shit you not, that was the premise) and who insinuated that his drunk aunt may have spied a disguised Bulger at his father’s funeral (seriously, this was the subject of conversation for a good ten minutes), Bob and Kathryn decided to take some phone calls.

First up, a woman who had clearly waited on hold for nearly an hour simply to ask the great question, “Isn’t that Adrian Gonzalez just like Mike Lowell? He’s just so nice.” WTF? First off, I liked Lowell too and the man had a solid ’06 season followed by a really good ’07, and I get that he was an affable, likeable guy, but for Christ’s sake the pinkhats need to get over this obsession with Lowell, the guy followed up ’07 with four injury marred seasons and finished last year by pouting on the bench because Tito wouldn’t let a guy with a bum hip play the hot corner. Secondly, A-Gon seems like just as likeable a guy as Lowell was, but besides having black hair and being bi-lingual the comparison ends there, the guy’s in position to put up historic numbers over the next few years and his season this year is on pace to be worth two years of Lowell’s statistics. So no lady, Adrian Gonzalez is not like Mike Lowell, he’s a lot fucking better.

Next up, a man who was clearly no older than twenty-five and on drugs talking about “Jimmy” as if he had been a member of James Whitey Bulger’s Winter Hill Gang in the eighties. “Oh, when Jimmy went into a rage it would make Charles Manson look like a, uh, uh, pussycat,” this blowhard of the radio told us. Shut the fuck up dude, you never met Bulger and it sounded suspiciously to me like you were describing Frank Costello, Jack Nicholson’s character in the Departed.

Finally, an elderly man, full of piss and vinegar, called up to rail against the fact that Congress was prosecuting Roger Clemens. “How in the world when we have all this debt and people are outta work can they waste their time going after Rogah?” He asked. The only problem of course is Congress is not going after Clemens you dumbass. The Feds are going after him for lying to Congress, but relax dipshit your local rep won’t be taking the Rocketman to task. This guy’s angry as hell over a problem that doesn’t and never will exist.

            Hey, do us a favor guys, when you get the urge to call your local sports radio show, just don’t. You’re fucking painful.

MLB MID-SEASON AWARDS

Everyone is throwing out mid-season awards for baseball this year. So, Relampago Blanco is now going to hop on the train. Here they are.

AL MVP - Adrian Gonzalez 1B, Boston Red Sox - Leads the AL in Batting Average, RBI's,doubles, hits, and is just better than everyone else.
2)Justin Verlander RHP, Detroit Tigers - Of the four regular starters on the Tigers Verlander is the only one with an ERA under 4. His is 2.26,good for fourth in the majors. He leads the Majors in K's, and is second in the AL in wins. He also threw a no hitter this year making him better than any man in the world outside of Gonzo.
3)Curtis Granderson CF, New York Yankees - His team would be just as good without him but its hard to discredit a leadoff hitter who plays a skill position and is second in the league in homers.

AL CY Young - Justin Verlander RHP, Detroit Tigers - See above. Guy is the tits.
AL Rookie of the Year - Michael Pineda RHP, Seattle Mariners - I told my co-owner in fantasy baseball we had to pick this guy. He threw a shit fit and so we didn't. He sure looks like an ass now. Top ten in the AL in ERA, K's, and Win's. Son of a bitch.

You Suck - Adam Dunn DH, Chicago White Sox - You were a king on my fantasy team for the last couple of season. You have let me down greatly this year to the point where I dropped you for a prospect who won't play for another year(Bryce Harper). You Suck.

AL Manager of the Year - Doesn't exist. Managers are basically useless at this level outside of making a pitching change. If you don't know where to position yourself on defense you shouldn't be playing.

NL MVP - Lance Burkman OF, St. Louis Cardinals - Who the hell saw this coming. Guy was basically left for dead last year. Now he has pretty much made Puljols second fiddle in the lineup. Leads the NL in homers,fourth in rbi's, and has the red birds sitting pretty atop the NL Central.
2)Prince Fielder 1B, Milwaukee Brewers - Guy knows he is playing for a huge contract. He is second in the NL in bombs,first in rbi's, and is batting over .300. He has the Brewers a game behind the Cards in the central. There is still no way he is a vegetarian though.
3)Andrew McCutchen CF, Pittsburgh Pirates - Three for three in the NL Central. People will probably disagree with this one but McCutchen is the reason the Pirates are over .500 this deep into a season since forever. They are only a game and a half out. He's on pace for a 20/20 season and has a .291/.389/.491 line. But this one is less about the numbers and more for Pittsburgh use to suck and now with McCutchen they are playing better.

NL CY Young - Jair Jurrjens RHP, Atlanta Braves - Everyone wants to give it to Halladay because the Phillies are nasty but outside of K's JJ has been just as good. Actually he hasn't, Halladay's numbers are incredible but I just wanted to change things up. You know Roy's ganna get it just give this kid his day in the sun.

NL Rookie of the Year - Craig Kimbrel RHP, Atlanta Braves - Kimbrel has been straight fire the whole year. Saw he was on pace for over 100 k's in the fantasy draft, snatched his ass up and he's been even better. Leads the Majors in saves, has a 2.45 era and 1.09 whip, and is on pace for 127 k's. Excellent work Craig.

NL YOU SUCK - Ubaldo Jimenez RHP, Colorado Rockies - He was nasty in the first half of 2010, shit the bed in the second half and has kept on sucking.

NL Manager of the Year - Like I said they are the most useless coaches out of the four major sports. But if I was ganna give it to someone, it would Clint Hurdle from Pittsburgh.

Smoke Em If You Got Em

OH SHIT!!! Minnesota Timberwolves forward Michael Beasly received a citation last week for Marijuana possession. Pretty sure this is like the 350th time he's been caught with the stickiest of the ickies. Under normal NBA CBA rules Beasly would have received a suspension probably for an insanely long time because he's a moron and can't hide his weed well. But now that David Stern and the NBA are dumb shits, big Mike's issue is strictly legal. NBA spokesperson Tim Frank said “The anti-drug agreement — including testing and penalties — is not in effect during the lockout,”. Pretty sure this means every player in roundball is now sparkin up as we speak. Go for it, you're not working this year anyways. Don't worry though, you all can still buy some shit you don't need on credit. Go get em fella's.

- You'll notice in that picture Beasly sucks at hiding weed. Also, sick ink bra.

THIS IS HORSE SHIT!!

Son of a bitch is there anything on ESPN.com that isn't INsider? Honestly any fucking story or article of interest on there is unfuckingreadable unless you are willing to pay for it. Wanna read a draft blog? Can't. Wanna read anything on the NFL? Can't. Wanna read anything on the Women's World Cup? Go for it, it's free. You guys are already taking over the world, can't we just get a free scrolling website? Christ on the cross. Just go to SportsIllustrated.com, slightly less content but at least you can get every story without having to sign a deal with satan.

GO GET EM BIG GUY

NESN.COM -"I don't see a ton of pitching help out there unless it's the few guys who can really make an impact, who will take your farm system to get," Epstein said. "I think we could benefit from a complementary position player in the right spot."


I am with you all the way Theo. You are pretty much dog shit when it comes to signing free agents. I am mean you brought in Julio Lugo, JD Drew, and Mike Cameron to name a few. You also gave a ridiculous $142 million dollar contract to Carl Crawford. However, I like Crawford and don't think he will play as bad as he has for the remainder of the deal. OHHHHHHH yeah, and I think you brought in an overrated shrek clone in John Lackey, but we only have him for three and half more years so no worries there. Christ you are just really a pile of shit when it comes to the free agent market. But what you can do is make trades, you're not killer at it but you can bring solid pieces from time to time, for instance a certain MVP candidate named Adrian Gonzalez. And I completely agree, Sox could use some positional help AND keeping the farm system intact is a must. Another outfielder because Darnell McDonald has to go and Drew is useless at this point. Another catcher for the stretch run would be great because although Salty as turned it on some, I still don't trust him and Varitek is 90 years old. Perhaps another up the middle player like Omare Infante from Florida would help. He's playing like ass this year but he can play three positions in the infield. But hey, as long as it isn't the offseason I trust your instincts.

LONG LIVE DIRK!!!!!

BOOM!!!! Dirk Nowitzki just beat the shit out of Lebron and Wade AGAIN!!!!! In an interview in the Dallas Morning News Dirk Diggler was quoted as saying “American basketball needs players like James and Wade, but the NBA also needs down-to-earth people like me. We players are all part of a show, and it only works in the long term if there is variety, when there is something there for everybody.”

Just another dickslap to the face of the biggest prick in the game from the flying duetschlander. God I love you Mr. Nowitzki. ALSO FUCK LEBRON.

IS THERE NO ONE ELSE?!?!

It's understandable that everyone of us eventually needs a break now and then and so, it is completely understandable that Toucher and Rich take some vacation time now and then. However what's not understandable is why the SportsHub insists on filling the slot occupied by the Sports ShockJocks with the detestable, unfuckinglistenable Damon Amendolora, or DA as he calls himself. The man is painfully boring, which would be fine, except he thinks he's entertaining and insists on opening his show with the ridiculous tagline that "The Mothership has landed". Seriously, Butch friggin Stearns wasn't available? Or how about throwing 'EEI castoff and uber-blowhard Pete Sheppard a bone? Scalabrine's apparently down for whatever and you have Jermaine Wiggins' number. The drop in ratings between when Toucher and Rich are yakkin' on the mikes and DA is reportedly massive and it only benefits the Sports Hub's competitor over on Soldiers Field Road. For Christ's Sake Sports Hub pull this guy off the airwaves, he's killing everyone's buzz.

You're Real Tough Bro

Andrew Bynum is the Joba Chamberlain of basketball. A prospect with all the talent in the world, backed by the hype of playing for his respective sports most glamorized franchise who just hasn't worked out. However in Chamberlain's case it was because the Yankees fucked him over and kept moving him from role to role. Bynum just sucks. He hasn't played in all 82 games since 06-07 and has missed long stretches of time because of serious knee injury. Hell, you only realize he's even on the court once every three games. But people constantly talk about the what if with Bynum. Kid is going into his seventh year already, he is who he is. An over-hyped injury problem who will play well in stretches and disappears far to often. Kobe wasn't wrong bitching this guy out. He's just like Greg Oden. The NBA is so desperate for height that they will give chumps like Bynum chance after chance even though he will most likely let you down, see 2011 NBA playoffs. And he's a fucking moron. He's constantly getting stupid fouls called on him and this is going to be his seventh year in the league. Guy just doesn't understand the game. But I bet he felt pretty tough kicking JJ Barera ass in the playoffs, so now he is taking up boxing. He also felt the need to tell everyone about it by tweeting a picture of himself no doubt getting his ass kicked by whoever he was going against. Look at that picture, he can only go against short white guys.

When will the NBA realize that a guy who is 7 feet but is constantly getting hurt is not someone you can count on. Rockets did it with Yao, Blazers are doing it with Oden, and the Lakers are doing it with Bynum. Give me a 6'9'' guy who can move, knows the game, and can actually stay healthy any day of the week over those three. Give me Nick Collison.

Honestly RON RON?

The MLB All-Star game is always under scrutiny when it comes to who's in and who's out. People are always complaining that not enough players get to go or fans shouldn't be allowed to vote. They shouldn't by the way, thats why we have pinks hats who vote in Derek Jeter over someone like Asdrubal Cabrera or even JJ Hardy, who's not even on the roster. But what usually gets swept under the rug are the shit calls each league manager makes when it comes to filling out the rest of their roster. But I have to say AL manager Ron Washington has made some of the shittiest I have ever seen. For instance, Matt Weiters over Hardy as Baltimore' lone representative. Dog shit. Weiters is batting .262/.314/.395 with seven home runs 33 rbi's,Hardy on the other hand is hitting .294/.354/.523 with 12 bombs and 31 rbi's. Explain that one to me. How is Russell Martin even on this team? The Yankees are always well represented. The guy has completely fallen over since April and is hitting .219/.323/.388. Just screams All-Star. Jose Valverde? You put your life in the hands of a closer who has a 3.00 era to go with a 1.36 whip. The man has 20 walks in 36 innings. I know he has 35 k's and 20 saves but this man is not an All-Star. Plus the way he dances around like he just saved the fucking world after he strikes a guy out pisses me off. So he should be gone. The Angels Jordan Walden was way more deserving of that spot,lower era, whip, more K's, and only one less save. Looks like someone was doing a little too much of the nose candy they love so much while putting this thing together, eh ronny boy? NL roster is way stronger, probably beat the shit out of the AL. Which sucks because National League baseball is awful.

Is it Time to Throw Lackey Overboard?

In 2006 the Red Sox got an awful season from a stuuborn, unrepentant Josh Beckett. In response, the Texas Hurler rededicated himself and had a beyond spectacular 2007 season, coming close to the Cy Young Award and delivering the Sox to their second World Series title of the decade. In 2010 the Sox got an awful season from a stubborn, unrepentant John Lackey, In response, the hurler supposedly rededicated himself, losing a few unwanted LBs and the results, thus far, have been far worse. Lackey entered today's game with a 6.81 ERA, worst in the entire league amongst frontline starters and so far he's already given up 3 runs to the BlueJays and we're only in the 2nd inning. Lackey has shown himself to be unable to cure what ails him, even after two trips to the disabled list, and his demonstrative antics have shown up his teamates while he's on the field and his postgame press conferences have become tense, terse, brief chats with the seething pitcher. There's no chance the Sox could cut ties with Lackey considering he's owed $16.5 million per year over the next three seasons, but perhaps when Clay Bucholz returns it's time for Francona to turn Lackey into the world's most expensive longman by throwing him in the bullpen. Andrew Miller deserves a chance to pitch himself out of the rotation, even if his strong starts have come against some of the worst offenses in the league and aging knuckleballer Tim Wakefield has demonstrated that he's a more reliable option than Lackey. It probably won't happen as Francona would mentally lose Lackey permanently, but something must be done, this guy's sucking it up something fierce.

Can We Just Cut The Shit Already?

Interleague is over, thank christ. The Sox just defeated the Houston Astros 2-1 on the back of a dominate start from Josh Beckett, sweeping the series and winning four in a row to end the nine day road trip. As a whole they finished Interleague play 10-8. How? I have no fucking idea. They played like shit, threw out abysmal lineups, didn't hit with runners in scoring position, and for the most part they pitched pretty mediocre. But I think this just goes to show how shitty the National league is, the sox for the most part played poorly and still came out on top. The Phillies are a great team and will probably be there at the end in October but San Diego and Houston belong in triple A. Pittsburgh is solid but no way they should have taken two of three from the sox. Shit, I guess that says more about the Sox than anything. I know nothing anymore, up is down, down is up. How the fuck do you lose two of three to both San Diego and Pittsburgh. Interleague sucks so bad.

Another Controversy for the Pats?

Over the last decade, as they have routinely been in the running for the Super Bowl title year in and year out, our local football team has taken more than its share of slings and arrows from the national media from the constant bitching about Belichick's surliness, Spygate, to Brady's endlessly changing hairstyles. Well, brace yourself for yet another media created controversy against the men from Foxboro. For the last decade, NFL teams in the Superbowl have ditched the NBA style individual introductions and hoopla in favor of a team introduction. Most people credit this change to the 2001 Superbowl Champion Patriots who chose to be introduced as a group rather than a cast of superstars, however a careful review of the record reveals that Belichick may have stolen this symbolic gesture from the 1996 Monstars who chose to be introduced as a team when facing Michael Jordan's Tunesquad in SpaceJam's Ultimate Game. There's no telling how long the Patriots will have to endure the fallout from such a discovery, but do stay tuned.

WHO HAS THE DUMBER PLAYERS? NBA OR NFL

When it comes to sports lockouts I began wondering which side usually wins these things? And after countless hours of doing zero research on either the NFL or NBA, I have come to the conclusion that it has to be the owners, right? I mean they have two things the players don't. Money and Time. The NFL players seem to have some points but it really is just a bullshit practice. We hate you both, you are both compensated well. Just bitches being bitches. But in the case of the NBA, it is filled with morons. The players are some of the stupidest people to walk this earth. Guys on ten day contracts go out and buy mansions, escalades, and of course chains on credit. YOU HAVE TO HAVE A GIANT DIAMOND ENCRUSTED BASKETBALL. You're a moron if you don't. They don't understand that the soft cap is bullshit, they are in a system where the haves have way more than the have nots. 22 Of the 30 teams are losing money. But they need 30 cars, not a baller if you don't have em. That one is ganna go on for a while just because of how stupid they are. But in the end not much is ganna change in the NFL, could be a rookie scale but it won't effect the overall picture too much players will probably get 2-3% more than they have now. The NBA is ganna change and if the players won't budge, the owners can sit as long as they want.

Greatest.Thing.Ever.

There are certain times when you know God is smiling down on you. Last night was one of those times. As I was randomly flicking through channels I stumbled across the very beginnings of one of the greatest things I have ever seen. But in all this glory MTV has now ruined any chance of me ever getting hard again. Why's that? you say. Don't they usually show 9 and 10's with nice boobies and bums? I shoot back " Yes, yes they usually do." However last night put an end to that. On MTV's docu-series True Life, New York Jets center Nick Mangold's sister Holly was the featured guest. Only weighs 370 pounds but she's 5'8'' so it's cool.

The scene where she was eating egg salad near the lake with her average looking friends and then leaned in close to eat chips and salsa with them really caught my interest. I honestly wonder how shitty her breath was. How could they stand it? They obviously were with her just to get on MTV. Another scene where she talks about how her stomach hurts and has been shitting her pants all morning AND THEN her coach has to come up to her and try to calm her nerves so she doesn't shit her pants is also pretty enthralling. Oh yeah and that coach teaches weightlifting, as in she would kick mine and everyone elses ass. Christ she broke a couch on the show. Son of bitch it was one of the greatest things I have ever seen.

I respect her for saying she knows she isn't good looking and is basically someone's fetish at this point BUT christ don't embrace the disgusting.