Insanity

So watching TV lately I’ve come across Animal Planet’s investigative television show “Finding Bigfoot.” The premise of the show alone is stupid, but when there’s nothing else on you’ll give it a look. A team of four investigators, credentials and employment status unknown, troll around the country’s backwoods in search of the legendary monster. Now, seeing as this show is on a discovery network you’d expect the team would maintain some sense of rationality or even reality, but oh no buddy, these four are balls to wall batshit crazy. Their investigations consist of having one team member, a cartoonish seven footer named “Bobo”, make an ass of himself acting like Bigfoot for alleged witnesses and walking around the woods at night with a thermal imaging camera. Occasionally, one of these insane people will scream into the distance in an act they assure us will attract a Bigfoot, because after all, they tell us with absolute certainty, that is how a Bigfoot communicates. Sometimes in response a noise can be heard in the distance, but rather than explain it away as a neighbor’s dog being disturbed, an echo, or even just a drunk fucking with them, they freeze for the camera smile and tell us things like, “There’s a ‘squatch in these woods.”

            It gets worse, a lot worse. They’ll usually find the most hillbilly, Deliverance type town of locals, and call a town meeting. On a recent trip to Washington State the billboard outside Twon Hall asked passerby if “You Seen Sasquatch?” Not, “Have you seen Sasquatch” mind you, just “You Seen?” Predictably, the worst of the worst showup, along with a smattering or bored housewives who spike their coffee with moonshine, and they all raise their hands step forward and describe with horror the night they came in contact with the mythical great ape of the Americas. Most people would be skeptical as these yocals spun their tales, but not these four intrepid explorers. No, these guys nod their head in understanding and then look into the camera and ask, “What reason would they have to lie?” Which is a good question, I mean why would people with hardly any money, living a town with a population of twenty, lie simply to see themselves on television? Yeah, you’re right, they must’ve seen a ‘squatch.

            Recently, the team came across a deer carcass in the woods of North Carolina. The team inspected the carcass and then calmly declared with certainty that this was indeed a Sasquatch kill. When told there were bears and possibly panthers in the woods, they dismissed such a notion immediately, saying only a Bigfoot could’ve done such a thing. The only team member who approaches sanity at point is the one female of the group, who coincidentally looks like Thelma from Scooby Doo. When confronted with a shadowy photo of Bigfoot she has the gall to suggest that it could just be a person in a gorilla costume and this sends the other three members into hysterics, looking into the camera and telling us that she’s not that bright.

            It’ll be enjoyable when all four of these assholes end up in the loony bin, but for now it’s fun to watch as Animal Planet supplants Lifetime as television network for idiots.